So I had a pretty awesome day with my SILs. We met at the mall and shopped all day, got lunch where most of us got buzzed. I didn't even feel bad when my supermom SIL had to excuse herself to pump twice. I let them make jokes about how lucky I was to not have to hassle with that and I was genuinely glad I didn't. I didn't break down or freak out when supermom SIL looked like she's never been pregnant once let alone FOUR motherfucking times and most clothes looked frumpy and unflattering on me. So many times I wanted to comment women's clothing really just isnt made for the postpartum body. But then of course the exception to that rule was right in my face. I was doing okay with all that.
I wasn't okay with feeling like I had completely faked this whole concerned mom act. When the nurses looked to me for answers to how she'd been I had to look to the big bird for the answers because fuck i didn't spend enough time with her to know. She was sick and I still did the bare minimum. She will be asleep when I get home. I didn't see her all day and I'm okay with that. And I just feel like a fucking monster. I'm trying really hard to tell myself I'm sick but a voice deep inside is saying "no you're not. That's an excuse. You're just selfish and lazy and have no business raising a child."
I was really proud to have kept the comparisons at bay today but I just feel so frustrated at myself for how it's going now. I'm sitting at a gas station typing this making an excuse to not drive home. To my house with dinner and friends and my husband and baby. I don't want to go back yet. I don't belong.
Update: I got home just before 8 to a house full of friends and the peep still awake. She was a bit off her schedule but ready for bed. So it was nice I got see her before she went to bed. I put up with everyone but I really just wanted them to go home. Lucky for me the big bird kicked everyone out by 9:30. He's watching Gravity and I'm reflecting on my day. I get that this will take time, I get that I sound better, but I'm pissed that I'm not fixed yet. It's making me doubt that I ever will be completely fixed. I hate feeling so weak and broken.
My therapist really wants me to do a support group. I told her my worry that hearing about people who have it difficult could help me minimize my own struggles. "Why is this so hard? I have it easy compared to the single mom, etc." She challenged that there will always be someone who has it harder or easier than me. She thinks I engage in avoidance (no shit) so I'm glad she pushed me a bit on this. She also wants me to journal. I think I will blog on my kinja but I won't link to GT so if you are interested you will know where to find it but I won't force it on anyone.
Thanks for the encouragement guys. I'm just impatient I guess.