TW: mention (no description) of sexual assault, response to trauma.


TL;DR feeling sorry for myself

I’ve had a blip and I’m feeling really down about what it means with regards to my progress. I had actually been doing very well and was pleased with myself. I’ve been mostly keeping to myself the last year or so with the exception of certain friends, I cut out a lot of people who made me a lot more unhappy than happy. I have GT to thank for pointing me in the right direction on some of them. And life was indeed a lot better, the right choices were made. I thought I was finally getting the largely unexciting existence I had dreamed of, work was going well though busy, I enjoyed my infrequent friend meetups and they were enough for me. I seemed to have passed the era where my past trauma was causing me extensive problems. I followed the #metoo stuff of course, and of course it bothered me. But it didn’t cause a spiral, and I thought that meant I had done the healing I needed to.

Until last night, when I was watching an old drama I hadn’t seen. It’s a light hearted comedy, so I thought it wasn’t a big risk to watch. I can watch triggering things mostly, if I’m aware they’re coming and how bad they are and can mentally prepare myself for it. Still unpleasant, but bearable. I had no idea this was coming. I had spoken to multiple people who had seen it about if it’s ok and they all said the same thing; that it’s fun and funny and has sweet moments. And they weren’t wrong really for most of it. But they all forgot this one scene, near the end of the drama. You don’t see what happens but you do see that it’s about to and the distress, and it’s absolutely horrible regardless of whether you see more.

I broke down. Like I haven’t in such a long time. I couldn’t do it at all. I freaked out and couldn’t stop crying for hours and then I stood in the shower trying to wash the feeling off. It feels like such a failure that I responded like this. I know I’m run down and that doesn’t help, but I wanted better from myself at this stage. It’s been a long time? I put myself to bed early and hoped I’d feel better in the morning. And I to some extent I do. I couldn’t deal enough to get in to the office but I’ve been functioning working from home all day fine and that was a good choice I think. But I feel horrible. Really bad. And maybe that will clear up in a few days, but I’m left wondering if this is just going to happen again and again. And it’s really getting to me that yes, it might.

I don’t really know what the purpose of this post is, except to pin down my thoughts. No obligation at all to reply. Thank you to anyone who read this far.