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Feeling melancholy

Do you ever have those days when you just feel blue?

That's how I'm feeling today. Everything is making me sad. I keep trying to do stuff to distract myself, but it's not helping. I think I'm having a delayed reaction to my break-up two weeks ago. I had kind of a shit week - or rather, it was a long and emotionally draining week that culminated in running into a different ex (let's call him M) who I had not seen since we broke up last winter. I don't think I totally got over M, even when I started seeing someone new (let's call him J). Of course, that new relationship didn't work out, either, and this week I just felt like the universe was fucking with me by reminding me of all my failures over the past year and a half.


This week, I had a gig on Tuesday at a venue that J works at a lot and although he wasn't there, a bunch of his work buddies were and seeing them made me...feel some feels. I'd been feeling really good about the break-up (or as good as one can) and like it was the right thing to do and then I just suddenly felt regretful and sad and lonely. Then on Wednesday, I went out on this date that ended up being awkward and terrible. I tried to make the best of it, but this guy basically told me he thought we had nothing in common and didn't want a second date. Which...ok, neither did I, but did you have to say it to my face?? And then on Thursday, completely randomly, I ran into M on the way to work and ended up stuck on the subway with him. It was the first time we had seen each other since the day we broke up and it was...weird. We had a pleasant enough conversation and I managed to keep my shit together till the end of the day and then I got home and just sat on my couch and cried.

I'm so tired, guys. I'm tired of trying to connect with people. I am tired of being hopeful and I'm tired of getting crushed. I'm tired of feeling like I'm throwing all my love and caring into a goddamn black hole. I can't keep going around in circles anymore, but I'm scared that if I stop trying and just leave it up to fate, I really will end up alone.

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