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Feeling Replaceable

Intellectually, I know that my husband finding someone less than 3 weeks after we separated and now having moved across the country with her less than 4 months post-separation doesn't actually reflect on my worth. When I hear other people say this, I can understand why they say it and it's something I would absolutely say to any friend of mine.

However. Trying to internalize that message is proving fucking impossible. I am feeling wholly insignificant and replaceable. It doesn't help that this woman is my opposite. She is the same ethnic background/culture as he is, which was always something that made me insecure. His parents used to be very opposed to me, and the biggest compliment they would give me is that I was "like a Korean" because I would eat Korean food and learned to cook Korean food. She is girly and I am not. She doesn't have a time-consuming career; I am a lawyer. She is someone who would be pissy about him not posting photos of her on his social media because it makes her feel like the other woman, even though he's not even divorced/barely out of a relationship; I feel like the need to post things on social media about a relationship is weird and clingy.

It's bizarre because I can separate out my thoughts about our relationship and our communication issues and how I think those could be repaired and be calm when I see how I think we could still work together, but he thinks we are over. I am obviously heartbroken over us being split, but I can identify that grief and name it and sit with it and understand it. I can even be semi-calm/not angry at the whole moving across the country and taking up with someone else because I know how his mind works. But when it comes to the idea that he could actually fall in love with someone else (or at least claim to have done so) so quickly, I feel so small and worthless. As if, even after 12 years, I didn't actually make that big of an impression on him. He has flat out told me it's not true, that I am special, and that I shaped him and have been the biggest influence in his life. But nothing I do stops the completely panicky overwhelmed feeling, like I am shattered and easily disposable and not worth the effort.


I think it would be easier if I thought he was a shitty person. But I know that I hurt him, too. And he isn't awful or mean. If I thought he was those things, then feeling replaceable to someone like that wouldn't sting so much. But to think he is a person of value and to feel replaceable to him makes it more painful.

I know that it's nothing anyone else can fix, but I just needed to get it out somewhere. I feel like I have talked about this too much to my IRL friends and nobody on here is a captive audience, so I don't have the same worries about wearing out my welcome.

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