I saw my therapist yesterday, and she agreed that I’ve developed some disordered eating. She was her usual compassionate self, which was very good because, as I’ve said here, I’ve felt like this is a huge horrible secret. It was so good to have my feelings validated, and to have someone professional acknowledge that this is a trigger, it is a problem, and that it’s causing me pain.

She also pointed out that, even though my psychiatrist said that Abilify is weight-neutral, there is a good chunk of evidence showing that it can cause weight gain—almost all anti-psychotics do. That was a big revelation, because it lifted a lot of my guilt and self-blame and criticism. I’ve been working hard enough that I should have lost the weight by now, if it was just regular gain. It was like a fog suddenly lifting, because I’ve been holding myself under so much scrutiny and being so harsh when this hasn’t been my fault at all.

I’m going to call my doctor on Monday to set up an appointment as soon as possible and discuss going off Abilify. My therapist was like “this is causing you more anxiety than it’s probably fixing, and I’m concerned that if the side effect continues this way (ie I gain more weight) it’ll be even worse.” While Abilify has helped me this winter, I’d really like to try life without it. Now is the time to experiment, rather than September when school starts.

So that’s where I’m at. I feel a lot better knowing that this is largely probably out of my control, and that I don’t have to be so hard on myself. I’ll keep you guys up to date; as always, thank you for all your support. <3