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Feeling stuck in the worst of ways.

There really isn't any way around this anymore — I am really struggling in San Jose.

I moved here to be with my girlfriend; I didn't have a job lined up before I came, but the arrangement was that I would live off my savings plus my girlfriend's support (within reason) until I found a job. I've been here for 5 weeks or so, and I'm getting really frustrated with my job prospects. I've probably applied to 20+ jobs, and I've only heard back from 2 or 3 of them. And I've only had one interview, and it was just a preliminary thing.


It's not so much the jobless part that is bugging me, it's the worrying about money. I'm just so tired of stressing out about it. I had to be vigilant about my spending before I moved, and I have to be even more so now because I don't know when I'll have a paycheck again. This isn't the first time I've been unemployed — I was jobless for about 7 months in 2013. Even so, I had ways of making a few dollars via house-sitting for a friend who had a hospital stay out of town and selling greens from my garden at the local farmers market. Those aren't really options here.

At any rate, stressing out about finding a job and managing money has led to the worst anxiety I've felt in years. I've been experiencing a lot of negative self-talk, and I know it's happening, but I'm having trouble stopping it. I have medication, but I forget to take it, and then I get frustrated with myself for not taking it. It's a bad cycle. I've been crying a lot, and at the most random/inconvenient times, also probably because I'm not taking my medication.

Finally, I think compounding all of this is that I just don't have anything to do, as in I don't really have anything to occupy my time aside from job searching and martial arts class. I like cooking, but I don't have a real kitchen. I love crafting, but I had to leave my hoard of craft supplies in Missouri and replacing them requires money that I don't have to spare. There is some blogging I could be doing, but I've been having a serious block, probably because of said anxiety (and not writing makes me anxious — it's another bad cycle).

My shit is fucked up, yo.

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