I've "broken up" with the guy I was messing around with and I feel incredibly stupid for feeling sad about it.
He had a girlfriend. She didn't know about me. I knew about her for the last year but not when I first met him. I didn't have sex with this dude but we flirted a lot and FaceTimed sexy stuff with each other.
I sent him an email today telling him that this needed to stop. It felt really good to write out all the feels and issues and stuff. But then when I sent it, I started to feel sad.
I feel really stupid for feeling bad about it since he wasn't my boyfriend. I wasn't even doing something that was good for me. Shouldn't I feel sad about things that were good? Shouldn't I feel "empowered" for ending the shitty situation? I wasn't breaking it off with an abusive boyfriend. I wasn't being broken up with by a great guy who just wasn't into me. I'm sad because the guy I was messing around with wouldn't leave his girlfriend for me so I cut him off.
Some background: I didn't know he had a girlfriend when I first met him. He was the first guy I'd met in years who I really got along with. He liked a lot of the same things, he was easy to talk to, he liked to joke and be nerdy and make pun jokes with me. He didn't mind talking about serious subjects and we aligned politically. I thought, for 2 glorious weeks, that what I had with him was real. That this just might be something. Finally after 5 years of jerks and deadbeats and losers, someone wanted actually to date me, not just fuck me and leave me.
And then he told me about her. I didn't believe him at first. I thought he was lying because he didn't have any relationship status on his Facebook page. I saw older pictures of him with a chick who had clearly been his girlfriend at one time, but I had no idea they were still together. I got mad and we didn't talk for a few months. But then we started talking again, "just to catch up". Which turned into flirting. Which turned into sexy FaceTime sessions.
This went on for a year, culminating in the email today.
I feel incredibly stupid and horrible for letting it go on as long as it did. I feel good about not having sex with him or having any kind of physical sexual contact with him. I feel bad about the FaceTime stuff. I feel bad for his girlfriend. I feel unlovable. I feel like this great person/great potential relationship was dangled in front of me and then snatched away. I feel like I'm only good for sex. I feel like I'll never get married, never have children and die alone. I feel like if I've reached 27 with only one 7 month relationship under my belt, relationships just aren't for me. I know I'm not supposed to measure my self-worth by my relationship status but it's just...soul crushing to not even have a chance to have a relationship status.
My sisters are both in steady relationships with wonderful guys. One is engaged, the other lives with hers. They get along very well. They aren't making tons of huge compromises. They didn't settle. And yet I can't get a guy to stick with me for more than 7 months.
I get along great with my female friends. My lady group consists of women I've been friends with for, at the very least, 10 years. The others I've known longer. I can hold onto friendships and cultivate relationships with women but men just seem to be a fucking mystery to me.
There is no resolution to this rant. I was just feeling shitty about doing something good for myself and I'm confused. And I'm at work so I can't really cry or work through these feelings openly. So that's why I'm putting this on Groupthink.
TL;dr-I feel the sadz even though I did something that is ultimately good for my emotional health and I R confused. I should feel good about breaking it off but I don't. I feel sad.