Today has not been a great day.

So it is now November. Millions of recent graduates across the country are realizing that six months is an incredibly short amount of time to get one's shit together before being asked to start making student loan payments. I am one of those recent graduates.

I could write a long post about how I got to where I am right now, involving living in a state with expensive in-state tuitions and parents whose ability to pay for an education was vastly overestimated by the private institution I attended. But instead, I will just say that I graduated with a lot of debt, a considerable amount of it being private.

So yesterday I finally looked at the amount I will be expected to pay and it amounted to $470 without even including my federal loans that go into repayment in March. $470 is more than I pay in rent. It is more than a quarter of what I make in a month. I am freaking out so hard about what is going to happen. These companies are in no way looking to work with me to reduce payments or anything, they just want their money as soon as possible.

On one hand, I have been saving up money. I really wanted to take a vacation next summer, which right now seems so irresponsible and frivolous, but it's what I wanted. I feel like I worked so hard through college (multiple jobs, overloaded on courses, etc.) and that now was my time to just relax a little. I'm now looking at getting a part-time job and possibly working seven days a week again and it really makes me sad. Maybe I'm being stupid or selfish, but I'm just so angry about being in this situation. Additionally, I cannot look at my coworker without the worst amount of resentment because he won a prize to have some of his loans partially forgiven that I also applied for. It would be one thing if he was hardworking or intended to stay in the social impact field (which was the stipulation of the prize) but neither of these things are true.

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My parents are offering to take over one of my loans, which I am incredibly grateful for. But at the same time I feel awful. I am in this situation because we didn't have much money, so I feel so guilty for putting this financial burden on them. And even though my other siblings are far bigger drains on them, I still feel as if I have to be the child who doesn't cause trouble, the one who has her shit together.

So now I'm just kind of crying in my office hoping no one comes in because these are all the thoughts running through my mind. I'm not looking for sympathy, but if people could just tell me that things are going to be okay? I need some reassurances.