(Obligatory rantwarning)

I'm having a panic attack and I'm not thinking very straight. What about? Finances. I just did a quick 'how much will I make and spend the next few months' so that I'll know what I can save for the trip that I've been dying to make for years (just go away and travel for a few weeks in southeast asia or somewhere, I haven't made up my mind) because of school and boyfriend.

The result : 0 bucks.

I also counted what I'm spending on food & going out a month. This about the amount that a 2-person household would spend for food/drinks a month. The only difference is that I'm paying for that alone. Boyfriend also buys groceries but I wonder if he spends even half as much as I do. If he does, we spend an absolute ridiculous amount on food and it's completely unnecessary. I doubt he does.

Even if he does. I make 40% of what he makes. He has plenty of money left over that he can (and should) enjoy. And now he's complaining he wants extra cupboards in the house because we can't store stuff.

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I've always considered myself a financially independent person but I feel that our finances are skewed very much in his favor. This feels very wrong to me. Something in me is screaming "he's keeping you dependent so you can't run away" which is bullshit because I can take care of myself just fine. And the pushing to spend money is because he has a bunch of money to spare and doesn't consider that I don't. Not out of malice but out of forgetfulness.

All of a sudden I feel crushed by the financial inequality within our relationship. I never have before and if I'd ask him he'd always help me out. But that's the thing. I don't want him to help me out. I don't want to be even more financially dependent of him. And while this crushing weight is lowering I wonder 'am I actually dependent on him?' and I can see my trip, that I've been looking forward to for years, that I'm aching for, fading away. All of this dawned on me in the space of a few minutes and it took me an hour to calm myself down from the hyperventilating*, shaky hands and upset stomach.

I need to have a conversation with him about this, which I was already planning on doing. But tomorrow is my graduation ceremony, after that is friday and he'll be away in the pub, saturday I'll be at a spa with my mom and sunday might possibly be WC finale. First chance will be monday, I have no idea if I can make it that long.

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Do you have any similar experiences that you'd like to share for me or other Groupthinkers? Suggestions for how to handle this conversation?

*And here I thought I was doing better on the panicy front, one to remember for therapy

ETA: After a suggestion from the great Edie I contacted boyfriend to take some time monday to discuss our finances. He responded with a 'sure, why, whats up?' and I explained that I took a look at my finances and that it looks like right now with our current expenses I won't be able to save or pay for other things at all. And he said "okay, it'll be fine :)". I already feel a TON better. I think maybe he'll be understanding after all :)