At this time last week, I was crying so hard I could barely speak to my friend on the phone. Today, Radio Lab has been my saving grace at work for being the only thing I can listen to without involving relationship talk. I still get stray emotional feelings, but for the most part I have stopped crying. I bury my sorrows in bloody red meat, and leave my house in squalor. I'm starting to think just don't give a fuck anymore.
I'm not happy with this aspect of myself. I don't care about anything. I've contemplated giving up my dog because I seem so incapable of taking care of him while I'm depressed. My plants that I loved so much before remain unwatered and unlit. I can barely force myself to take a shower. The only cleaning I've done is turning on the dishwasher, and that's only because I don't want to clean off the knife I've been using to cut my steak.
I've decided I need to find comfort again. I haven't found it in my friends and I don't find it in the passage of time. I'm not a religious person, but I need to return to finding faith in something since I can't find it in myself. Perhaps in spirituality, I'll feel connected to something other than sadness. I was raised Buddhist, but I was also raised poorly. I have cultural memories of Buddhist temples, but the spiritual significance was lost on me. But something is calling me to Buddhism again. Perhaps it's because it's the only thing in my life that acknowledges suffering.
Everything in life is impermanent and always changing. Since nothing is permanent, a life based on possessing things or persons doesn't make you happy. There is no eternal, unchanging soul and "self" is just a collection of changing characteristics or attributes. These are universal truths in Buddhism. Its plain to see how someone in so much despair can connect to it.
A friend I texted said it's ok to wallow and not believe in anything right now. I know she's right, but I feel worse for reveling in it. I'll need this temple visit. It's the only thing pushing me out of the house.