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Please, sistren and brethren of the system of interconnected tubes which is this great interweb, please help me to understand the Flip Flop. I understand the desire to be as close to bare footed as possible. I share that desire. I come home, the shoes come off. If I could live my life without shoes, I would. But flip-flops, let us face this very ugly truth, are FUCKING PAINFUL TO WEAR. Sure, they're cute and fun and easy to rinse sand out of, but they really are not comfortable.

Look, there's that bit that goes in between your big toe and your next toe. The index toe? Do toes get names like fingers? The piggy who stayed home. That bit hurts. Really hurts. My toes really enjoy spending time together and can't understand why this hard, cold piece of plastic wants to come in and force them apart. My poor toes. They weep. They send constant protestations to my brain in the form of pain. "Why?" they cry. "Why can you not understand our toe love?" And should I step in sand, such that a bit of it stays between my toes, enroughening that little bit of plastic, the wailing and blistering which results really does not bear discussing.


And then there's the evil they do to my arches and instep. I walk around barefoot and my instep rejoices in its freedom. It lifts its insteppy flesh high and proud, causing nary an ache or need to be rubbed. But put that same instep in a flip-flop, and it gets all confused. "Am I in a shoe or not?" it thinks. Should I relax and fall over, resting myself on the arch support supplied by the wise shoe manufacturing Gods, or should I prance, high and free, like Johanna Rohrback?" Inevitably, it ends up trying to flop, finds nothing to support it and screams like a baby after a booster shot until I sit down and rub it.

And, finally, the sole. It's not fooling anybody. It pretends to pad my tootsies from the harsh and unforgiving ground. How, I ask you, my internet friends and neighbors, how can something SOFTER than the ground hurt my feet MORE?

People, this menace must be stopped. We must band together and say, with a resounding cry, "NO! No, we will not wear the flip-flop! We will wear SANDALS!"

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