Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

If you hate reality TV turn around and go right back out. I watch a LOT of these shows, they are my crack.

At the request of a respected GTer, I present this stimulating and insightful examination of the best, fakest, lamest show on TV, BREAKING AMISH, season 2. This year the gang is going to LA. The season is almost over so I'm going to have to catch you up.


Episode 1.
We meet our cast, consisting of 4 Amish and 1 Mennonite, who have dreams of getting the fuck out of Ohio or wherever. They are all bright, charismatic kids with loads of potential, except they're not. They are-
Devon, a big meathead
Lizzie, secretly pregnant
Iva, the pretty one
Betsy, the weird one
Matt, the only Mennonite who has a big secret that you will never figure out in a billion years

Episode 2.
Everybody escapes. Iva and Lizzie meet Matt at the airport. He is toting 2 sewing machines. Mennonites can totally use electricity! Iva, who likes to bake stuff, tries and fails to carry a gallon of lard onto the plane because you can't get that shit in LA.
Meanwhile Betsy and Devon arrive at the house, which is very modern. They look at the dishwasher and ask each other what in the world it is. They do not understand the walk-in shower. It's a bit much. The other kids arrive and they go to the beach and a nightclub where the boys get their drink on. Matt makes up some house rules (like no fornicating or drinking) and everybody tells him to fuck off. He prays for them.
Meanwhile, back in Pennsylvania, we meet Sam, Lizzie's brother. He heads to LA to rescue Lizzie from a life of sin.


Episode 3.
Sam arrives and boy is he steamed! Lizzie says she's coming home when chickens shit Faberge eggs. Sam says "okay" and decides to stay too. Another new guy shows up, Andrew. He's also a meathead, but experienced. Back home he's on probation. Lizzie tells the gang she's pregnant. No duh, she's huge. Betsy announces that she is into witchcraft. The boys go to a titty bar and Sam gets a lap dance. Matt goes outside and prays on the sidewalk. Devon and Andrew have a fistfight, I don't know why. Iva and Lizzie tell the boys Betsy is totally a witch and everybody freaks out. Matt prays.

Episode 4.
MAKEOVERS! Sam gets a boner because his barber is a girl. Everybody is talking about Betsy the Teenage Witch. The girls are stirring the pot big time. Everybody gets drunk and some shit goes down with Iva, Betsy and Devon, who is a walking box of hammers. Lizzie goes for an ultrasound but doesn't get a picture because Sam reminds her it's VERBOTEN. Then Sam tries to get a job on a construction crew with a bunch of Latino guys. One of them invites them to a party in the 'hood and of course they go and fit right in. Sam gets dryhumped.


Episode 5.
Betsy and Andrew stay home and everybody else goes somewhere. Betsy performs a ritual with candles and Andrew is terrified. Everybody freaks out. Lizzie and Iva go to the boys and tell them that Betsy is a big fat witch plus she molested Iva. Betsy denies this and says Devon was there too. Big fight, Betsy gets thrown out. Matt prays for her but changes his tune when she molests his sewing machines. He has two sewing machines and a big, big secret. Iva's boyfriend arrives from home and they report Betsy to the police because she's a big fat witch and a total molester pervert. Andrew gets pushed down the stairs by unseen forces (WITCHCRAFT) and jacks up his ankle. Iva's boyfriend proposes and they all decide to go to Las Vegas to celebrate. Matt is worried but Jesus is his wingman.

Episode 6.
VEGAS. Lizzie, Iva and Matt go to THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDER where Matt is made uncomfortable by feelings in the region of his Special Purpose. He prays on the sidewalk, and then reveals that he used to have a little lust problem but his parents sent him to a special place for boys like that. MATT HAS A SECRETIVE SECRET. Later the guys go to a sex dungeon and Matt prays on the sidewalk. Then they go to a magic show, but Matt is unhappy because SORCERY. They go back to the Golden Nugget and Betsy is there! She shows a videotape of Molestation Night. Turns out it was a straight-up three way between Betsy, Iva and Devon, lotsa grinding and dick grabbing. Iva's fiancée isn't happy but Iva is the prettiest so he forgives her. Betsy's still pissed because Iva and Devon were gonna let her go to jail over Sex Night, but they all decide to blame Devon and leave him in Vegas because Iva is the prettiest.


Episode 7.
Pretty boring epi. Devon arrives home. Betsy is still pissed because of the false police report. She knows that Iva was the mastermind behind the whole thing. Iva accused Betsy of molesting her to blow smoke up her boyfriend's ass. She filed the report to make sure Betsy would get kicked out or go to jail and Iva's pretty world would stay intact. Devon went along with it because Iva is, you know, the prettiest. Cornered, Iva does what pretty girls do and starts to cry. Betsy tells her she's not feeling it and to dry up. Betsy has no pity! Iva starts screaming and flailing and spouting obscenities like she's auditioning for THE CRUCIBLE. Nice job, Betsy, the spells are working. The next day, Matt takes a meeting with a "prominent" fashion designer. Finally one of these morons is pursuing their dream. I have a feeling Matt is going to succeed despite his secret. Andrew goes to see his parole officer. The gang decides to put aside their differences and throw a baby shower for Lizzie. Devon gives her a crappy present, which is THE LAST STRAW for Andrew and Sam. Iva weeps pretty tears and Betsy suddenly remembers that Devon once hit her in the face. This is the cherry on the Devon Goodbye Sundae and Andrew has some kind of weird 'rhoid rage and he and Sam throw Devon out. Devon leaves. He is confused. He will never figure out how he got blamed for all this when after all it was a consensual three way. Oh, Devon. There is a long video montage of Iva being the prettiest. At the end she smiles an evil smile into the camera. Who's the witch now, Betsy?

NEXT WEEK- Mexico!

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