So remember how I was surprised at not freaking out about being unemployed? I jinxed it by talking about it. Let the freakout commence:

The job I just got hired at underwent a management change and they're now unwilling to hire waitresses. I'd either need to wait a few months for them to open the other restaurant and possibly place me there, do their $5/hr paid training for one month in order to become a food-truck worker, or quit. Food truck work is the same hourly wage, but it's not going to get nearly as much in tips as a waitress (which is what I was relying on for rent), so I quit. There's just no point in training for something that won't pay the bills even if I work full time (which I can't do).

Meanwhile I'm averaging 3 auditions a week and I booked a gig for this Friday. My career is really doing well but it's not paying enough money to live on and there's absolutely zero job security. I'm sending in a video for a job tomorrow that would pay a ton of money, so hopefully that goes well. If my career weren't going as well I could apply for full time work or a job with more stable hours, but at this point I don't think I can make that sacrifice to my career.

I feel like a whiny baby. I've got skills, I could probably find a lower-paying normal people job that would be much more stable, yet here I am crying about my silly little art career. Yung Iroh and I were on our way to a kink party this weekend and I burst out in tears because I was worried about spending any money there because we already went out to dinner (even though we never ever go out to dinner cuz we're broke). It turns out he's really into Valentines day and put in a lot of effort to make this weekend special, I felt so bad about distracting from that or seeming ungrateful. Neither of us are employed and I don't understand why I never see him freaking out like I do, even though he tells me he's worried and I believe him. I can't help it but I get frustrated at how calm he seems, how little he talks about his job hunt or his frustrations. I know he doesn't like talking about himself, I can tell he's depressed, but because he isn't freaking out at me it just feels like he doesn't care. He snapped at me for having my phone out at the party but I was feeling socially awkward and replying to job-hunt emails, dammit! Why are we out spending money instead of cooking budget-friendly meals and cuddling after updating our resumes? I never knew finances could put so much strain on a relationship. He worries in a completely different way than I do.

I'm also PMSing, so I feel ugly and worthless, which is kind of the worst thing to when trying to convince other people you're attractive and competent. Heh, I've even avoided applying to breastaurants or promo modeling things because I don't think I'm thin or lightskinned enough. That's a whole level of fast money I'm missing out on cuz I know I'm not a skinny blonde and it pisses me the fuck off.


I'm gonna stop ranting now, sorry. I decided to write this instead of sleeping or stress-eating because I've done way too much of those lately. It held me off for a little while anyway.

Gnight, GT.