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Freaking a little right now

So, I have to go to dinner tonight at my in-laws. I am not in a good space right now with my ED. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. Why is just having a dinner with people so fucking hard? I hate my brain. :(

I want to get out of this, but I can't because my FiL called yesterday and this afternoon about it and I basically froze and couldn't think of anything to say or do to make an excuse for myself so now I kind of have to. Plus I've been avoiding stuff like this for weeks now and I feel guilty not going but I also feel like such shit about myself that I don't want to be around anyone right now. I feel like such a fucking idiot that I'm a grown ass adult and yet something so ridiculous, normal, and simple has me crying and wanting to shred my skin off.


I'm also annoyed with my husband for just not outright saying that this type of thing is off limits for a while. Why can't he make it easy on me? Why can't he take on a little of the heat and make up something and stop expecting me to somehow just outright explain or tell his parents why I don't want to do this. Like, I say anything about how I'm freaking out and he says that I should tell them that I'm not comfortable. But I don't feel comfortable doing that and I don't WANT to talk to them at all about my mental health. Am I wrong in wanting or expecting him to cover for me like that? I don't know, I just feel so cornered right now.

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