Welcome To The Bitchery
Welcome To The Bitchery

So I have this friend/close to BFF. We’re both finishing our respective PhDs on the same timeline. For the past four years of actually DOING the PhDs (in somewhat separate places), I’ve been his go-to chatter, girl-translator and relationship coach, plus sounding board for his science insofar as I can, plus occasional proofreader. I have almost always enjoyed this greatly as my privilege.

Except now, he’s been pissing me off. In the past, when he messaged me, I’ve dropped what I’ve been doing to help, because he matters to me. Only lately, he’s been doing that thing where he messages me, I drop everything to talk, and he wanders off after like 3 sentences, leaving me sitting around unsure if he’s coming back. Constantly. And, he does this in those moments when *I* needed *him* as well - almost universally. Last month, when my laptop was melting down epically for the 50th time in a row, I messaged him with the gist of “I really need to talk; is now a good time?” when I was already near tears, and he gave me the OK - and then disappeared after 3 messages. We had words a few days later, wherein I made it clear that his doing stuff like that on a daily basis makes me feel that he doesn’t care about me. His apology-excuse was that he’s easily distracted and has a terrible memory, so it’s not that he doesn’t CARE, it’s that he gets sucked into something else. We laid down some ground rules but he’s not following them.


Well, here’s how I feel now: caring about something is MAKING yourself be invested enough to remember. If I know I’m shit at something, but it’s worth doing anyway, I make sure I do it by whatever means I need. I can’t just ignore his messages - they crop up on multiple devices and I can’t dismiss them without feeling bad and making me annoyed all over again. In the interest of future friendship, and NOT constantly feeling like my best friend does not give a shit about me, I think I need to turn off all messages from him for the next month or two. Does anyone know how to do that without a complete unfriend? That seems a bit nuclear. And, am I being a teenager about this? It is, after all, freakin’ facebook!

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