I have a friend that I have a somewhat volatile relationship with. I love her, but I'm coming to realize that if she doesn't have full-blow narcissistic personality disorder, she has some heavy-duty narcissistic tendencies. She lives in an area of the city that's a huge pain in the ass to get to without a car. It can take me as long to get down to her as it does to get to my parents house in the suburbs. We used to hang out a ton, when we lived close, but as she moved farther away (first way up north, then way down south,) I haven't spent as much time with her. Part of that is because she's far, but a large part is that I also got kind of tired of her song and dance.
She can not just hang out. Whenever we're together, it's always "Fix Sarah's (not her real name) life" hour. She either wants help on a project, or doing something around the help, or advising her on what choices to make with her business (which is a total fucking pipe-dream, btw). Now I am totally down with supporting my friends. But it can't be all support all the time. There has to be some balance where we just hang out, get high, cook some food, and shoot the shit.
Now, she has always been like this, and when we first became friends, it was appealing to me, because I liked what she was doing, it gave me something to do (was unemployed and sick), and she's a super-extrovert, so I met a lot of people and had a lot of fun with it. But I pulled out of formally working on her business 5 years ago, and 2 years ago I told her that I can't talk business with her, ever, because she and I have such vastly different perspectives on it that I can't talk to her about it, without her getting defensive, and me getting annoyed that she doesn't understand what I consider to be the most basic principles of business. We sorted through it, but we definitely go through periods where we pull away from each other.
So fast forward to this weekend. We don't see each more more than once every few months. We've seen each other more recently, but it's either her coming up by me, or meeting her downtown, which is between us. That's totally fine by me. But she's having a tough time, having just broken up with her bf, but still living with him, trying to move cross-country, and generally having a wtf am I doing with my life thing going on. She's been laying the guilt on heavy for not coming down to hang out with her, because her very favorite thing to do is have people over and entertain. We used to do a ton of that, so Saturday night I caught a ride with a mutual friend and we went to hang out where she was housesitting.
IT WAS AWFUL. 30 minutes after I got there I regretted it. She was in full bossy "get to work" mode. She yelled at me for "making excuses" for a mutual friend who's trying to figure his shit out, when really I was just talking about what's going on in her life. She needled me to push my buttons because she thinks it's fun. She bitched about me not doing shit right around the kitchen. And she outright attacked me for being privileged and not knowing my privilege becaus I said "oh...your mom didn't have rice paper wrappers when you were a kid." (She's half-asian). Now, granted I know how privileged I am, and how lucky I am. At that one I just said "Yep...you're right. I am privileged." But mostly it was a constant night of her pushing her shit on to me, and me pushing back because I'm not going to sit around and be treated poorly by her. And the whole time, the poor guy who was also there was like "what the hell is going on?"
So I have really, truly, had it up to my eyeballs with her. I'm so close to done with her forever. But the problem is that I love her. She has been there for me when I've been down. She's been one of my biggest cheerleaders and supporters since I met her. I don't know what to do. She has been responsive in the past when I've said "hey you're acting like a shit and I don't like it," and that's the reason we've been able to be friends for so long. But honest to god, I'm tired of having those conversations. If I said to her "hey you know...I need the time we hang out to sometimes just be fun hang out time, not fix Sarah's life time," she'd probably respond positively to it. She always does. She knows she's intense and she knows she burns people out. I'm just really tired of having those conversations, and I don't know if I want to keep doing it anymore. She's planning on moving up closer by me and honest to god, I don't know if I can handle it. I really don't. I'm not sure what I'm asking for, because I don't want to lose a friend, but on the other hand I'm utterly tired of her. Help? Support? Funny and cute gifs? I dunno.