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Fuck all of it

It's been about 2 months since I broke up with "the dude" and it still feels kinda shitty. I didn't expect to still be thinking about him. I really thought that things would be much better within 2-3 weeks...and they are. But dammit, I want to be totally over him!

The biggest issue for me is coming to terms with the fact that I was totally gaslighted (again). The things he said and the things he did were dishonest. And when all was said and done, he acted like I was a belligerent fool for having expected more from him and finally asserting myself when it came to the state of our "relationship". I know that he's a seasoned liar and I'm glad that I am no longer dealing with someone like that. But I still miss the person I thought he was. I really liked that person. That person made me feel amazing.

But now I keep going over things, finding more cracks in more stories and wondering what the fuck any of it even meant. Wondering what his point was. Why did he bother, ya know? What is the fucking psychology behind that type of shit?! What was he getting out of fucking with my head when he didn't even really want me?


I think I'm tapped out with this dating thing. I'm lonely as hell. But I'm not really ready to be involved with anyone at the moment either. And I'm in no real position to be going on another string of terrible dates with complete assholes who think they're entitled to stick their dick in me just because I'm friendly. So I'm stuck in this really depressing place and it's made even worse by the fact that the god damn holidays are right around the corner and I'm "that single person" in my family.

Sorry to air my "woe is me" shit here but I'm too proud to vent any of this crap to anyone I know in real life. Anyone else feeling the "fuck dating" thing?

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