Okay I may have done something stupid and triggered a giant anxiety attack. I ventured out in the snow to hit up a drive thru for lunch because the cafeteria at the office was depressing today. In the 3 mile round trip I was almost side swiped twice, almost got turned into while I had the right of way, and had two assholes turn without signals last second. So I got back to my desk and I was practically shaking I was so upset. One of the cars I almost hit stopped right in front of me in our parking lot and I threw my hands up in frustration and I'm pretty sure I made an enemy at work. Ugh.
So I had to go home because I needed some fucking Klonopin and I was not fucking around with driving in this weather on that stuff. Luckily my boss has no problem with me working from home for the rest of the day but I hate needing these accommodations so often right now. When you're not used to ever asking for help to have to ask constantly feels pretty disheartening. I'm trying to focus on the good in my life. Baby Haa now eats sweet potatoes AND carrots, my role as an intern supervisor was announced today at work, Monday they are announcing my switch to the new position to everyone finally.
Tomorrow I'm driving to Wausau to meet up with superwoman SIL to give her baby clothes and we're going to get sushi together and then I'm driving to my BFF's in Stevens Point for a night of drinking wine. I'm really looking forward to seeing superwoman SIL. I plan to talk to her a bit about my PPD and I think she is the perfect person to open up about it. Yes, she has this mom thing down but she's never made me feel stupid or badly about my struggling. And I need to tell my BFF what's going on with me. I need to give her a chance to be the friend I need instead of just assuming she doesn't care. I'm nervous but I don't know why. I love this girl and I know she's a good person so of course she's going to want to help and support me... but... what if... she doesn't. I kind of have a feeling that while she's my BFF, I'm not hers anymore. She made friends with another girl and they are always instagramming their #bff ness on FB. Maybe it's in my head but I don't know if I can take this rejection right now. Part of the safety in not reaching out is I can convince myself she hasn't contacted me because she doesn't want to intrude on the new family but in the back of my mind I'm not too sure. And that feels really shitty.