TW: obvious

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I’m really struggling to write this post but I need a release. My hands are shaking so bad right now that my cats are looking at me with concern.

My mom called me last night to tell me that my dad’s cancer is back. Background: he had a rare type of tumor that we found out about almost exactly two years ago. (Keeping this deliberately vague.) He went through a few rounds of radiation and then the tumor was removed via surgery in late summer 2016. There were a whole bunch of side effects to the surgery and he was still in physical therapy as of this week, so even though all his tests were coming back cancer-free, he was still not 100%.

Now it’s back. Not only is it back in its original location, it’s spread to his lungs.

He’s starting chemo next week. I have no idea what that entails.

You guys, I’m so worried. I’m worried about my dad, obviously. I’m worried about my mom, who is taking the news much harder this time around. My dad told me this morning that he hadn’t yet told my little brother, who went full-on high-functioning alcoholic the last time around and he’s only now starting to get his shit back together.

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I kept this shit largely to myself last time and didn’t even tell some close friends until it had been going on for a while. I... guess I’m planning on doing the same this time around because I just can’t fucking talk about it. But I feel like I’m going to explode.

I was working last night when my mom called. I sat there for a few minutes and just continued working. I skipped the gym this morning but otherwise just got up like normal and started working. My husband bought tickets this morning for a concert we’d already planned to attend. Like? Is there something wrong with me that I’m just trying like hell to pretend this isn’t happening to my family again?

I don’t want condolences or anything... but thanks for letting me put this out there.