And I’m trying to remain objective and not feel like I AM a fuck up and a horrible person, but it’s hard.
My roommate had a talk with me about my cleanliness habits yesterday. I was a bit surprised because I thought I was doing an over all good job of reigning in my messy habits, but I didn’t realize how clean she really expects things to be. On one hand I feel like “if you were unhappy with something or expected a higher standard why didn’t you tell me in the first place?” and on the second I understand why she feels like she shouldn’t have to get on me for every little thing.
The real problem is that while I generally pride myself on being an empathetic person I didn’t see this coming. I think it comes from me generally feeling like people are angry at/dislike me all the time...when you feel that way it’s hard to accurately understand when people actually ARE angry at me. It’s like my nervous system is pulling a “boy who cried wolf” on me, which isn’t aided by the fact that my roommate will often avoid telling me she’s pissed *when* she’s pissed. So I can feel the vibes, but I don’t know what’s wrong, and she isn’t telling me what’s wrong, so I figure it must not have anything to do with me or that maybe she’s not mad in the first place.
It’s really upsetting and confusing.
And to top it all off Yung Iroh’s childhood pet died and he was obviously upset but wouldn’t tell me why for hours, and so I felt so emotionally confused and unsteady. Now I know, and now everything is ok, but when you can’t trust your own sense of how people feel what can you trust, ya know?