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Fuck it

I got fired.

I had such reservations about accepting this job in the first place. It was short term and part time, and the whole thing seemed half-baked and chaotic. But it was also really interesting and worthwhile, and it's made such a huge difference to my quality of life for the last few weeks.


I had to write and deliver curriculum singlehandedly for a course that's a couple of months long. And then the students would contribute to the organisation funding the course (very vague, sorry, don't really want to give out details).

It's been so difficult to get hold of people from the organisation, or get any basic info on how they work (which is info I had to teach the class). They kept putting me off, there was always a project that was more urgent, they just had to get through the next thing and the next thing and then we could meet and sort things out. Except in the meantime me and the class apparently had some deadlines that passed, that have in no way been communicated to me by anyone (when I asked about it I was told that there was no schedule. Goodoh.)

So part of the reason for shutting down the class half way were things that they knew from the beginning, like the class size, and the budget. The other thing that was brought up was that I wasn't taking enough initiative.

That was really unfair. I taught a bunch of people how to work in this organisation, having never worked there myself. I chased up people who couldn't send me an email that would take twenty seconds for two or three weeks. People who just never showed up to meetings we arranged, never returned calls or emails. They had initiative apparently. Not that they aren't lovely people who do a great job with limited resources, but I was doing fucking great, had no support, no contact.


In a certain sense there was some validity to the point though. I wasn't very assertive. Just the week before I started I was moderately suicidal. I was faking it and faking it, and apparently not well enough.

Bit of a catch 22 though, hey? If I can't get or keep a job because I can't fake being confident enough, and so I keep getting turned down and fired from jobs and feeling less confident as the negative experiences pile up.


And now it's the end of the year, a couple of more weeks when I can apply like crazy to any and every job, and after that everything shuts down for two months.

I thought I could save up enough to move out and get my cat back. That's all I'm aiming for at this point.

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