My current job sucks, you guys. I know, I only ever come on here and bitch about it, but today it just took everything I could muster not to walk out and burn that fucking bridge with napalm.
I won't get into details, because I am relentlessly paranoid about my boss lurking on here (even though I know she probably has better things to do), but suffice it to say that stuff happened and it resulted in me tearing a new one in one of our secretaries. A very nice lady, no less, who, up to this point, I liked a whole lot, but who intentionally ratted me out to my sociopath of a boss over a really minor fuck up. Hell, there wasn't even any reason TO bring this to the the Boss's attention. It could have been handled by coming to me directly and asking me why it happened. This "mistake" did not cost us any money, did not damage our reputation in any way, it just was a simple miscommunication. Instead, I get a snotty email from my boss basically telling me she knows I fucked up and that I am a drooling idiot (except not in so many words. She's a sociopath. They're really good at making things sound just normal enough to evade the wrath of HR).
I was SO pissed off. Haven't been this flustered and angry in a long, long time, and before I could cool down, I marched into the front office and just laid into the secretary telling her that the Boss hated me already, and forwarding that email landed me in deep shit, and I was going to have to give my two weeks now, because fuck everything about this place... Oh god, I'm so ashamed of what I said. The secretary just sat there in open mouthed shock as I unloaded on her. I stormed off and called my boyfriend and then proceeded to sit outside for a good two hours while I calmed down.
Once I had got my shit back together, I immediately apologized to the secretary, telling her she did not deserve that in any way, and I was mortified at my behavior, I was so so so sorry. She brushed it off, but I knew it probably hurt a lot more than she was letting on.
I'm sitting here 12 hours later still wracked with guilt. It's not like I didn't have cause to be angry about the secretary effectively ratting me out to the boss over something infinitely trivial. It's not like she knew just how much the Boss hates me, after all, and will use ANYTHING she can to belittle me just because it amuses her. It's not like I don't have a job offer sitting here staring me in the face right now, just waiting for me to sign it and give my two weeks at this hell hole of a job...
I just can't get over how I lost my cool like that. I think what bothers me so much is that I stooped to the boss's level of freaking out at a subordinate because I couldn't control myself. I also feel like absolute shit for blowing up at the secretary and hurting her feelings, even if I apologized. Even if she accepted my apology. I just... UGH.
I AM BETTER THAN THAT!!! WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS PLACE DONE TO ME????