For something like the third time in a week and a half, I’m sitting in my office trying to cry as quietly as possible and fighting the urge to go home. Maybe I’ll take my laptop with me and work from bed. I don’t know. I can’t seem to stop crying, but I took a mental health day last week and I don’t want to start just skipping work like a slacker.
I’ve been off Abilify for two weeks or so, and it’s not been great. I’m really hoping it’s just an adjustment issue (Corgiman stumbled around like a zombie for a little while as his brain adjusted to being without it), but it sucks. I woke up today feeling so gross about my body, and so hopeless about meeting my goals. I wrenched my back last week, so I couldn’t go to the gym at all, and I haven’t really been dieting because whenever I try I just fall into incredibly toxic thinking patterns that just exhaust me to think about. Maybe I should just give away all my clothes. I felt so beautiful once upon a time and now I don’t. My tattoo stretches a little to the side if I don’t hold my stomach in.
I wish my brain worked. I wish I didn’t have to struggle every single day to do the things my coworkers can do. I wish I wasn’t at the mercy of medications which fuck with my metabolism and weight and thought patterns. I’m so fucking tired of all of this mental illness bullshit that I’ve been dealing with my whole entire goddamn life.