Sometimes I'll be creeping on the mainpage and see someone go "Oh, well it's like NinjaCate says [insert thing I said]" and I literally freaked out for half a second.It wasn't even anything offensive, and I totally still stood by the thing she quoted, but... palpitations. Like, I'm not stupid, so I know that people respect me a lot here, but in my mind I don't really know anything, so to have people use me as a point of reference pushed all my panic buttons. O.o
It's dumb, I know. I've realized kind of, that I think people respect me and my opinions a little more than they should. Like.... I dunno, it's weird. I don't think I'm that smart. I mean, yeah, I'm smart, but I'm not like... an expert or an authority on anything.
I have this irrational fear that one day I'm say the one wrong thing and everyone will hate me. Like, I think people give me a lot of leeway to be snarky here because they respect me, but every time things go that way, I realize I always try to extract myself from the situation just in case I say something stupid and lose all my goodwill.
Just today two things happened that made me freak. Someone on the mainpage was like "I only stay for NinjaCate and Kyosuke and a few others" and I was flattered, but also TERRIFIED. Like, I didn't realize people were putting that much stock in my words. And then Everything Is Shiny's Macklemore post went up earlier and I saw my name and Macklemore, and immediately I was like OMG THIS WILL BE THE TIME I CAN'T CONTROL THE SHITSTORM, but it turned out to have nothing to do with me so....
I'm kind of rambling, but basically sometimes I feel like any day now the tides will turn and GT will hate/resent me. And I know that's mostly in my head, but yeah... I see my name put up all the time now, and it scares me. I think it's an extension of getting picked on in HS, and always being terrified people were talking about me behind my back. Except, now I can see what they're saying. And it's always nice! Only twice was it bad, and I sorted it out privately. But I still can't shake the feeling that like... maybe people trust me too much? I'm not sure how to say it.
I'm not fishing for hugs I swear. It just happened so often today that I wanted to talk about it. Because I cannot keep creeping on GT and Jez if I'm gonna have a panic attack every time someone says something nice about me. Jesus.
My brain is weird.