Ok, so it's probably not that big of a mistake but to my drunk neurotic brain it feels huge.
I posted on FB that I was feeling lonely and friend who has a minor crush on me messaged me saying he would invite me out to this reception. Reception time comes and I have a minor anxiety attack and say I can't go but would love to hang out if he's free after. He says he can come over to my place Sunday with wine. I say cool beans and I'll make foods.
Hung out with Sokka (the ex) which is always nice if only slightly pathetic because we always brush up against each other for a little too long and it's clear that we sorta kinda still love each other (well i'm def sure I still love him and I'm kinda sure he still feels the same even though he broke up with me, but we bury all this awkwardness 50 feet deep because frienship and lonliness). Then I went home and made dinner.
Friend comes over, we eat, we have wine, we talk about chicks (because we both love chicks and I love having straight guy friends so I can talk about chicks and I love talking about chicks when I am drunk, it's super cathartic) and dating and shit and then we watch a cheesy movie. Friend scoots close to me on couch and pulls the smooth yawn-arm-around-shoulder-thing. I am drunk, I am lonely, I am insecure and emotionally confused- I do not move away.
Thank God other housemates come home, breaking spell/tension/awkwardness. Friend says "Oh, it's late I should get home" and I do not take bait (or I acquiesce to friend's realization of his inner gentlemanliness) and instead walk him to train.
I do not like my friend this way, and I highly doubt he has any sort of real crush on me, though he tends to flirt a lot (esp. when drunk). He seems like the type of guy who spreads his net wide, plus he never takes it personally or gets butthurt when I turn down his flirtations. He does tend to talk about his "type" though when he's drunk, which does tend to resemble me quite a lot....................
I feel bad now, you guyz. I like friend as friend, and do not want to spoil our friendship with fucking or the hint of fucking, yet I opened that door. Or at least I feel like I did by not cutting him off like I normally do, because I considered it. I did- I thought: if he's as good at sex as he says he is and he honestly doesn't care and he is my friend so he won't judge me for being a,b, and c, and if I explain to him that I don't want anything resembling a relationship then maybe this will be not a bad idea. But then I remember that this is a HORRIBLE IDEA for tons of reasons and that someone could get hurt, or I look at him and remember that sober me doesn't find him physically attractive (though I totally understand why others would, he's just doesn't really do it for me) or he says something problematic about how his type is "black/mixed girls with 'mixed' hair and big asses" and I snap out of it. If I did like him it would be so damn easy, but I don't so it's not and I'm sad that it's not because it would be easy, but he just doesn't really do it for me.
What'll I do if we hang out again? What if he thinks this dinner meant something? What if he is lying and he likes me more than he says he does???? What if he's telling the truth that he's just a flirt and I take it the wrong way and I make a big deal out of nothing?? How do you tell when someone is just a flirt and doesn't particularly care about conquesting you and when someone actually not-so-secretly likes you and pretends they're only interested in passing? I've had these dilemmas sooooo much y'all and I never know what to do :( Stuck in the bone zone again.