This article is a week old, but I don't think we've talked about it and we need to talk about it because it's just so bad. From HuffPost Canada, I present: "Why Every Straight Man Needs A Gay Best Friend".
1. Your gay best friend (GBF) can introduce you to tons of nice single ladies.
Yep. Gay men are known for having nice single ladies at their beck and call. In fact, many keep binders full of them, like Mitt Romney but with more glitter. Don't worry; your GBF will be totally chill with playing wingman at some straight bar and won't mind feeling like you're just using him to get chicks. After all, that's why some guys get adorable puppies, but by not doing that you're showing that you think gay men are more important than dogs. You're so progressive.
2. Your gay best friend may become your wife's friend too.
Especially if he set the two of you up! This is important, because the only way you and your wife can share friends is if you have a GBF. As everyone is well aware, it's impossible for straight men and women to be platonic friends.
3. Your gay best friend can be a great listener and social support as many gay people lived through bullying in their youth and became sensitive, caring, and loving people as adults. Yes, you can cry and open up with your new gay best friend.
The legal discrimination, social ostracization, and potentially even violence your GBF has faced all his life makes him well-equipped to listen to you talk about how that bitch Janet at work never listens to you. It's okay, man. Just let it all out.
4. Your gay best friend can help you outfit your wardrobe and you'll be out of the store on time and on budget.
All gay men love shopping and have great fashion sense. This is not a stereotype in any way, shape, or form. Your GBF will help you find the perfect accessories for your life—other than him, of course!
5. Your gay best friend can make a great gym and fitness buddy.
Obviously straight men never go to the gym, so you definitely need a gay friend to go with you, a straight man, to the gym. I'm not sure why we're even bothering to point this out.
6. Your gay best friend will be there for you if you ever need a hug. Hugging is the universal gay greeting.
The universal gay secret handshake is a finger snap and the name of the contestant last kicked off of Project Runway. The universal gay farewell involves giving some sassy side-eye while humming a few lines of a Lady Gaga song. The universal gay "happy birthday" message is a bucket of rainbow flags delivered to the person's door by a man dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter. The universal gay congratulation varies by occasion but always starts with the words, "Oh my god, can you believe her hair." The universal gay method of telling someone to go fuck themselves is like the normal method of telling someone to go fuck themselves, only fiercer.
7. Your gay best friend would probably be a good ego boost to your self-esteem and self-confidence when you need emotional support. This can help you overcome any rejection you experience from the women in your life.
Every time you get dumped, you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say, "Well, at least I'm not gay." And what more could you ask for in life?
8. Your gay best friend would probably be a great person to talk to about sex, sexuality, and relationships.
Your GBF: like Dr. Ruth, only with more hair product.
9. You can crash at your gay best friend's place when the need arises.
But, like, no homo.
10. Last and most importantly, your gay best friend will be a loyal, committed, and trusted friend because for many gay people, their friends are their family.
Probably because most gay men feed their birth families to bears shortly after they come out. Remember: gay people can be loyal and caring, but they're also dangerous if you don't train them properly. Much like German Shepherds.
There you have it! Ten reasons all straight men should find a gay best friend right away. After all, what are gay people there for if not to make straight guys' lives better? If you need help finding one, I suggest hanging out around the local hair salon, where gay men are known to loiter. If that doesn't work, just follow the sound of Rihanna's "We Found Love" and you'll get there eventually.
Next week, join us for "Black Guys: Why You Need One In Your Life, At Least To Play Basketball With."