It’s been a really rough week working on “Light In This Life.” I spent Tuesday going through two years’ worth of photos. That was strange, watching the cycles of life leaving my face and slow recovery as I dealt with first my brother’s death and then other bits of various lies, ugliness, deceit, and you know, all those things that go hand in hand with the way people grieve unhealthily. It’s weird knowing now that I didn’t get really depressed until January of this year. My face was real hard for about 6 months - and it does NOT look good that way. It’s getting better, and I laugh easier now, but I still frequently resemble one of those common pigeons that everyone is on about.

Between today and yesterday, actually cutting the video together, I have stared into my dead brother’s face for two or three hours. That’s not even an exaggeration: there’s clip sorting, timing, basic movement, and final animation that’s happened for every photo (This was kind of a problem with submissions. Far, far, too many photos, frequently of too low a resolution. Even bringing our working res down to 720, I had to ignore a couple of submissions. But I managed to make a couple of them feel like live pans, and I’m really proud of that.). But, guys, I have spent hours staring at his face, and I hadn’t expected that, hadn’t even considered it among the possibilities for how this edit could go. Part of me is numb because I am exhausted from working on the video all day. I’ve spent about 10 hours in the past two days crying and editing. And not just over my own shit, but everyone else’s stories, too.

In the past week, I have spoken to the parents of 3 different children who died by suicide while still in elementary school. I have no idea how I have managed to comfort these people whose suffering is completely beyond me. It is an awesome triumph in the biblical sense, that is, it both amazes and terrifies me.

The rough might go out as it is, depending on what Eli feels and what The Nerdy Mr has to do tomorrow. Tomorrow, I have to go to a bachelorette party that has me all anxious because I do not do well in traditional sanctioned Ladies’ Group Activities and I’m already clearly pretty strained. I guess at least there will be lots and lots of wine, but I am kind of wishing it was cocktails.