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Getting help

So I finally got up the nerve to contact my local La Leche League to see if they have any resources for me to give this breastfeeding thing another shot. I really want this. I'm scared though. I'm scared of having other people make me feel like a failure and a loser. Up until now I haven't had any outside judgment on the situation so I'm really worried I'm going to be told I'm not trying hard enough or I don't want this badly enough. I'm running out of time. I go back to work in roughly a week and a half. I don't have one spare ounce of breast milk. I'm barely making the 3 bottles a day I need to feed her and that's with me pumping every spare minute, even getting up in the middle of the night to pump. I can't keep this up when I go back to work. This isn't going to work. So I'm going to see what I can do. I may say fuck giving her bottles for the next week and try to have her nurse and then pump as much as possible. It's the only thing I can think that may actually help. I will be absolutely devastated if this doesn't work though. Looking thru the LLL website I cried at all the pictures of the happy breastfeeding babies and mommas because I haven't felt that way about it for a really long time and I feel like such a shit mom because of it. If I'm already struggling now there's no way I'm going to make thru the next 18 years. Then this stupid period is going on day fucking 8 with no signs of letting up. It's like a big giant reminder that Hey! Breastfeeding isn't working because if it was I wouldn't be bleeding already. And to top it off my mom is coming up today for the next 3 days and I'm dreading it. I know she will help in taking the baby off my hands but she drives me so crazy and I'm so emotionally drained and exhausted. I feel myself spiraling into another depression pit.


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