So, things are happening.
I got accepted to all three postgrad programs that I applied for. I've started one of them already, with a summer intensive course on web development.
I'm actually hoping that that might be enough to get me work once I'm done at the end of Feb. I'd much rather work, and maybe study part time later once I'm settled somewhere.
I've been going to the gym every day. I've applied for seventy odd jobs in the last week.
Things are taking shape. I still feel pretty overwhelmed, but it's worlds better now that I'm doing something.
So my current plan is to get a part time/ casual job, anything that will have me. Study until the end of Feb. Move out of my folk's place. Start applying for front end/ UI jobs.
And then after that all the rest of my plans, y'know, rebuild my social circle, buy a house, publish some of my writing, meet someone, get married, have babies. All that stuff.
I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of problems that I've had in my life, and I think a lot of it comes back to a lack of security; emotional, financial, social.
My life growing up was pretty chaotic. I've lived in twenty odd places, went to six different schools, some of which had completely different curriculums, were in languages that I didn't speak, or I was put in a lower/ higher grade than where I was supposed to be. I was always lost and catching up, I was always the new kid, and the weird kid, who didn't yet know the rules that applied.
When it was time to make decisions about University and careers I could barely speak the language yet. I wish I had school to explore my interests, build friendships, try out extracurricular activities, so that by the time that decision came around I could have made an informed choice, but I was still playing catch up.
And then everything else was chaotic. I would accept jobs and places to live and relationships that were far from optimal, because I always needed something urgently, and so all of these things would always be uncertain and liable to breaking at any point, and cycle went round and round.
And a person sort of gets used to that kind of decision making. Long terms plans are just not possible, when there are short term fires to be put out everywhere. Everything is temporary, and a whole lot of maintenance just becomes pointless. Why maintain a house when you might not be there for more than a couple of months? Why bother about decorating, or cleaning or gardening?
All of these things take so much time and energy - finding a job, finding a house, moving house, starting a relationship; when you have to do it over and over there is little time and energy left to build longer term things.
And a person gets used to being reactive. I have bunch of random skills picked up from random jobs, because I would take whoever would have me, and then try to catch up.
I wish I had done something solid and career focused instead. Even what I'm doing now is pretty reactive - it's a good option that there's available work in, and that hopefully won't require a lot of further study. It would have been nice to have a more solid basis for a career.
But yeah, things are better. I hope I can build something more solid and more lasting this time.