Welcome To The Bitchery

Some of you know that my son recently joined the navy, and he's in SC at "a" school right now, learning how to do nuclear things (which, knowing my son is somewhat terrifying.. sorry, future aircraft carrier sailors), and we got to see him on Thanksgiving - YAY. But we also found out that the destructive relationship we thought he'd broken from has picked back up. Boo. So he's "exclusive" with who we will somewhat generously call Ding-a-Ling, even though it's kind of too cute and good for her.

I will spare you the 9,000 reasons I don't like them together and just give you some prime real estate: He joined the navy after flunking out of college his sophomore year, which even he agrees was in large part due to their relationship. She's older and thought she was about to graduate and imo a little desperate to be with him, though I don't know why because they're both dumb as rocks when they're together, but basically thought supplying him with booze and an apartment to crash at was a super good idea during his most demanding year yet. Because "you can always just change your major from aerospace engineering to general studies, tee hee, no, seriously, that's what my friend did and she graduated in five years..." He readily agreed to this line of thinking. Again, dumb as rocks. They make super decisions together. Neither graduated, by the way. She is something crazy like 6 hours away, but "doesn't care about her degree" because "she hated her time there."


And it's so, so much more than just that. It's hard to explain, really. But the first Thanksgiving break after they got together we invited her to come home with him. She proceeded to tell us how aerospace engineering was "too hard" for him (he was carrying a 3.2 at the time) and she thought he should change his major (eyebrow ARCH). And leave the Corps of Cadets (Texas A&M basically has an on-campus military school, in a nutshell) because "she hates going to the quad" (major side-eye), and "gifted us" with used snotty tissues STUFFED INTO OUR COUCH CUSHIONS AND UNDER OUR COUCH. (Potentially the most egregious affront to my pretty damned normal politeness meter up to this point. WHO DOES THAT???)

Christmas break they made the decision to just show up together without telling me she was coming. And expected to stay here the entire Christmas break. Super decisions, remember? My favorite was that we requested that one of them sleep on the sleeper sofa, the other in his room, because we've got a younger daughter here, appearances, blah blah blah, and I'm sorry, my house, my rules, and you are not getting it on in the bedroom next to mine. Except they did. And we politely said "Oh, hey, we didn't make it clear? Please, no, k thanx." And they did it again. And then I kicked her out of my house. "Oh, tee-hee, BUT my parents don't mind..."


Let me backtrack for a sec - this kid of mine? He's literally THE most polite guy you'll ever meet. He's wickedly smart but socially awkward, hadn't had a girlfriend until her (yep, there's your red flag), and she was only the 2nd person he'd been with, the first having been her cousin. He's also utterly clueless as to normal human graces sometimes. (We actually think he might be on the fringes of Asperger's, but no diagnosis because it's just, yk, awkward but no big deal.) Just in little things like knowing how to keep a conversation going, nothing big. But it seems to prevent him from noticing when other people commit huge faux pas' of their own.


Like when we were at his boot camp graduation in July, she flew up as well. We're in our hotel lobby standing at the huge ass map/tv thing (Courtyard) getting directions and she's standing there COUGHING on the touchscreen. Like, open mouth. I couldn't take it and said "Ding-A-Ling, don't cough on the touchscreen, other people have to use it" in a not super-unkind way, just more like "Omg, this dipshit is like a fucking 4yo" kind of way. She turned to me, said "What?? I'm not contagious!!" and TURNED AND COUGHED ON THE SCREEN AGAIN. Friends, I lost it. The freakout is legend in my family, and definitely to the appreciative Courtyard front desk staff, to this day. All anyone has to do is say the words "Normal people don't DO THIS" with some kind of crazy hand motions to both dissolve us all into giggles and make us make little moues of disgust. Son turned to me during freakout, started laughing his ass off, and never seemed to grasp that this girl is literally too annoying to live amongst humans. Even wolves wouldn't raise her. (She's an only child, and yeah she's definitely THAT only child. That one that gives only children bad names.)

And this weekend I find out son and his sister had a huge blowout because what he didn't want to (and didn't) tell me is that he's flying into her hometown at their Christmas leave, and she's driving him out here. It's that first damned Christmas break all over again.


I got an email today from an airline reservation site with his itinerary. Nothing more. No text, no call. Just that he's flying into her town at the buttcrack of dawn, and flying back out of her town at the buttcrack of dawn a week and a half later.

Here's the thing. I don't know WHAT to do. I honest-to-God don't know if I love my kid more than I hate her. Or more accurately, maybe, than I hate them together. Because you know what happened as soon as they were exclusive again? He failed a test and got put into disciplinary action because he overslept several times. Know what was behind that? He's in Eastern time, she's Central... and she'd had him on the phone until 4 in the morning his time for several nights in a row, leaving him to get a half hour of sleep. "Mom, it's not her fault, she misses me..." FACEFUCKINGPALM. This kid is going to "wash out" of his last fucking saving grace, Nuke School, because here we fucking go again.


tl;dr, I might have to murder my son, or his gf. Kind of like not suffering a witch to live. ETA For your amazement, amusement and edification: He's 22, she's 26.


So, part of the problem here has been figuring out what to do about his incoming/outgoing flights from her city, which is a 4 hour drive for us. And when I say buttcrack of dawn flight times, I'm talking arrival at 7:40 am and departure at 5:20 am.

So, I just figured out what my kid's getting for Christmas. Procrastination and being broke has worked in my favor for once... I am looking into airline tickets to our close-ish regional airport or into the airport closest to his Grandparent's house, where we will spend Christmas Eve and Day. Or maybe even Greyhound. I'm not averse to that idea at all.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter