Short story: I feel upset and jealous, yet also silly and frustrated with myself because I am not, two years after, over my ex and it's messing me up. Send help! (And yes, I have posted about/around him previously - which just goes to shows how badly I'm spinning my wheels here.)

Long story: Okay, so on a conscious level I know there are very good reasons I am not with him and why I don't (most days) want to be with him. Apart from him not wanting to be with me, during and after our relationship he was selfish, ungrateful, cheated (emotionally only, as far as I can tell), blamed his mental health issues on me, and was downright mean and cruel at times. There were also more pragmatic issues: he never wanted to leave his hometown while I live to travel and hate said hometown, he showed a combination of entitlement and laziness that meant he always ended up trying for things his work ethic was not adequate for and was a resentful failure academically, while I appreciate humility and hard work. This is not the whole truth, of course. I loved him because he could be accepting, gentle, romantic, affectionate, and in many ways, we were very compatible in terms of emotions, intellect, humour, and values. He was like home. It was easy and comfortable being with him. Until it wasn't, of course, but even then I still loved him and wanted to work things out but he didn't.

Anyways, I should be so over him. So, so over him. I have even cried over his moving on for two years now: he started dating someone else within days of leaving me. I have known for a long time he has moved on. It's old news.


Today, I was - ironically enough - feeling good enough that I decided to Facebook-stalk a mutual friend/acquaintance to confirm what I already knew from seeing glimpses of Instagram posts: he is now seeing said mutual acquaintance. I thought it would bring peace of mind to know for a fact instead of guessing.

I was devastated. What is the worst is that he is now the boyfriend I always wanted him to be. He posts cute little lovey-dovey messages to her publicly (after three years together, he still had lots of friends who didn't know about us, and he not *once* posted anything about us - a message to me, a picture, anything - on social media). They are doing a self-improvement regimen and cook healthy food together (he lived in unbelievable squalor and only fed me plain rice). He takes her out to concerts (in three years, he gave me *one* present - a pair of headphones, and his unwillingness to go anywhere *ever* was a huge source of tension). She, for her part, is awesome and driven and little bit like me, and throws surprise birthday parties to him (one of the very few public acknowledgments I made of our relationship was a "let's all love on X on his birthday!" thread - four days before he dumped me).

I am heartbroken and so frustrated with myself. It's like seeing everything that could have been, only he couldn't be those things with me despite all his declarations of love and asking me to be his wife. What adds to the misery is that while he thrives (did I mention he is apparently flourishing academically and looks awesome?), I feel I'm worse off than when he left me. After he left me, I started struggling academically (which I do not blame on him, but it was an unfortunate coincidence) and I still am. My self-esteem, despite my efforts and having better days, is not what it used to be. My attempts at dating have not been successful.*

Dear wise hivemind, how long did it take you to get over someone? I need to emphasize I'm not actively and debilitatingly grieving every day, and have not for probably a year, but I still think about him every day and clearly am far, far, far from not caring about him and his life. I just don't know how to take those final several steps from "Kind of okay" to "Fully moved on, don't care, have a nice life".


* I have been casually dating, and prior to the FB stalking I was actually feeling really good about having fun with exciting new people, but now I again feel bad for being single.