....because I definitely did not react in a way that I can look back on positively.

Basically, I went to dinner last night with a group of 7 other girls, including two girls who I have recently become very friendly with. They live right down the street, are hilarious and fun, and we're in the same grad program, so it's a friendship I have been really happy about for the last couple of months. Over the weekend, while tubing, a conversation came up in which I told them both I was bisexual. It was a really difficult and awkward for me, because I have had poor or "questioning" reactions from gay and lesbian friends before when I told them. They were married about a year ago, and basically wanted to know why I wasn't married yet (to my current boyfriend), and since struggles with my sexuality are a pretty large part of my commitment issues I felt like it would have been dishonest to skirt around the issue.

I hadn't come out to anyone in years, not since my best friend (Kay) three years ago, because I make close friends slowly and rarely. They didn't say anything negative or even invalidating (which is the more common reaction for me), so I considered it a really good disclosure and was pumped that it went so well. Pumped! Fist-pumping in my little rented tube pumped, and it doesn't get better than that.

Fast forward to last night at dinner, when one of the girls (who I had come out to while tubing - fist pump!) looks around and exclaims "oh, jeez, FNS - you're the only straight person here! Does that make you uncomfortable?" My brain went fuzzy numb with awkwardness, and I just looked at her blankly wondering why, why is she doing this....I don't want to deal with this anymore. Then my total silence prompted her to further explain, "Because, you know, we're all lesbians, and you're straight!" I looked to my best-friend who was there, Kay, who has always identified as bisexual and is currently engaged to a woman, and she didn't say a word, just kind of grimaced and looked away.

And I ask "What would you have done", not just to my bisexual Jezzie friends, but to everyone, because dear God I reacted in a way that made me feel incredibly cowardly and small. Embarrassed and hurt, I said "Well, right now I feel awkward." Then I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and cried. Then I composed myself, returned to the dinner, and said NOTHING, of course, of course! - because I didn't want to make a "big deal" of it or have anyone else feel uncomfortable. A part of me wants to bring it up with them, but I'm so tired of that reaction and how horrible it makes me feel that I just want to go fetal, cry a little more, and let it pass.


What would you have done, or does anyone have thoughts on what I might still do if I crawl out of this sad, timid shell and want to address the issue with them again?