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Giving Up/Being Weak or Just Being Realistic

In 2010, after three years of working dead end jobs and not getting anywhere career-wise, I decided to leave New York (where I was born and lived my whole life), and go to graduate school abroad. At the same time, my mother decided it was too expensive to keep her house, and she moved down to Florida.

I came back to the States a little more than two years ago, and since then have only found part time work. I lived with a friend in North Carolina for a while, but when my job there ended I couldn't find anything else and had to move in with my mother. I was stuck in Florida (and a shitty part of Florida, too) for a little less than a year. My mom decided I was too depressed there, and she worked out an arrangement with a family friend, who is letting me live in his parents' house in one of the outer boroughs for just the cost of utilities.


Even though I'm of course grateful for that generosity, the house is kind of a shit hole. There are cracks in the walls, peeling paint, seriously dated appliances that just don't work very well, etc. Even if I could afford to fix any of this up, the family doesn't want to get rid of anything. And now the boiler is on the fritz (perfect, with the snow we're getting right now), and for the past hour something I assume is a smoke alarm has been beeping non-stop, and I can't fucking find where the noise is actually coming from. On top of that, I barely see my friends here, and I can't really afford to go out that much. And I've been wondering if it's a huge waste of my very limited resources to keep living here. But my only other option is to move back in with my mother. I'm 30 years old. I don't want to live with my mother. And I don't want to live in Florida. But I also don't want to live in this house that isn't mine, being completely unable to improve the situation. Thinking of moving back there makes me start to cry. And thinking about staying here makes me start to cry.

I just want to get a decent job and be able to pay rent on my own small apartment, and it's pissing me off that such a reasonable goal has become this impossible dream.

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