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God I really am a loser

so after my husband of 29 years found a younger woman to fuck him and left me at age 55 with no education, very little work experience and not much money, I have been trying to bring myself out of the Stone Age. I've managed to find a decent home, figure out health, car and personal insurance, buy a car and start a teeny business all by myself for the first time in my life. After 29 years of hearing that I was incapable of taking care of myself and was too dumb to learn, these seem like pretty big accomplishments to me. Although I know I have a way to go, I was beginning to think I could do this.

But I forgot about taxes. Until today.

I owe more than I can afford to pay. It's not the end of the world, I know. I'll figure out what to do and do it. But here I was thinking I could accomplish things that I am just too fucking stupid to really ever do, like other grownups.


He was right. I'm a fuckup and I will never be on top of this. My former best friend told me I should find another husband right away, which is why we are no longer best friends, but she was probably right too. I think I'm so fucking smart but I will never catch up with the other grownups, everybody knows how to do this shit but me, and I thought I was getting it, but clearly not.

I have well and truly fucked up and wasted my life, and I will never never never be free of the fear of my own ignorance. Tomorrow I will wake myself up and attempt to appear to be a competent useful adult and will even be able to almost convince myself but it's a fucking lie.

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