I AM HAVING EMOTIONALLY NEUTRAL CONVERSATIONS, GODDAMNIT.

I AM GIVING STUDENT EXAMS. THEY WILL LEARN TO LIKE IT.

I AM BEING AWESOME AT MY JOB WHILE BEING UNDERCOMPENSATED AND UNINSURED BECAUSE THE AMERICAN UNIVERSITY SYSTEM IS BROKEN, AND I AM WATCHING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK TALK ABOUT HOW IT IS ALL MY FAULT FOR NOT TEACHING JUNIOR HIGH. BECAUSE JUNIOR HIGH JOBS ARE THE SOLUTION TO ALL OF LIFE'S WOES. WHY WAS THERE NO SIGN AT COLLEGE ORIENTATION?


I AM LEARNING TO EAT A GLUTEN AND CORN FREE DIET BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN BETRAYED BY MY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM. I WILL PROBABLY BE THE FIRST GLUTEN INTOLERANT PERSON WHO DOES NOT LOSE WEIGHT AS A RESULT OF DIETARY CHANGES, BECAUSE I AM MEDICALLY AMAZING. BY AMAZING I MEAN REALLY SCREWED UP. (SIDE NOTE: DID YOU KNOW THERE IS CORNSTARCH IN CHEESE? I AM GOING TO STARVE.)

I AM GOING TO RETURN HOME TO A DESTROYED GUEST ROOM, BECAUSE SOMEONE (FLUTERDOG) WOULDN'T STOP EATING THE CAT BISCUITS AND FINALLY GOT CAUGHT IN THE ACT SO SHE COULD BE PUNISHED. STOP EATING CAT SHIT, DOG.

I AM WEARING A NEW SHIRT I BOUGHT FROM THE FINAL SALE RACK AND FEELING EXTRA CUTE, DESPITE HEARING TWO STUDENTS ASK ONE ANOTHER IF I AM WEARING A TABLE CLOTH. I AM FABULOUS IN MY OWN MIND, AT LEAST.


I AM ENTIRELY TOO AWESOME TO LET ANY OF THESE THINGS GET TO ME, BUT I SWEAR IF I HAVE TO SEE/HEAR/THINK ABOUT ONE MORE PIECE OF STUPID BULLSHIT, I AM GOING TO GO COMPLETELY OFF THE DEEP END AND DESTROY EVERYONE WITHIN HEARING RANGE. I AM NOT EXAGGERATING.

AM I CLEAR?
GOOD.