This is almost selfish of me to say, but sometimes I get so angry at the universe because I never got to meet three of my grandparents. They died before I was born. I bet they were all amazing people, so I just wish I got to experience time with them. Sometimes, I'll think of what my grandparents would have thought of me. Would they be proud of me and what I've accomplished so far? Would they think that I'm too Americanized (my parents and I moved to America when I was 5)? What life lessons could I have learned from them? Would they be my role models?

My maternal grandma died of pancreatic cancer and my maternal grandpa died of one of the hepatitis strains. Both of them were physics professors in my home country. They were both very cultured and wordly. My grandma was also a feminist, according to my mom.

My paternal grandpa died from lung cancer. He owned a rice plantation, and from pictures I've seen, he and his coworkers even met with an American man who taught them a technique/system that they used on harvesting their rice. How cool is that?

Death and loss scare me. I'm so frustrated that I never got to meet these grandparents of mine, and I never will be able to meet them. Never. I have no idea what they were like. They're only a figment of my mind. I can't associate them to any memory. I feel so detached from them, but I wish I felt something more tangible towards them.

However, I'm so grateful that I have wonderful, healthy parents. I also have a pretty great living grandmother, but I rarely get to see her since she lives a long flight away. It could always be worse, and I can acknowledge that. But sometimes on nights like this, when I'm alone and my mind is on overdrive, I slip into thoughts about my grandparents. And I always end up crying when I think of them.