In the order I remember them, these are the things I have done tonight instead of go to bed at the time I intended, because I am chicken-shit scared of dealing with tomorrow:

  • Drank a bottle of wine with my sister and an old friend.
  • Dyed my hair. It was graying, because my stress sweat melts it or something. I normally use henna, but we were handling photos for so much of today, I couldn't be full of dye for hours.
  • Stared at an ass-ton of childhood pictures and wondered why people used to tell me I was a fat kid. It surprises me how skinny I was in some of them. How skinny all three of us were.
  • Ruminated on the phrase "the three of us" and how I don't get to say that anymore for anything with future tenses.
  • Cried.
  • Went outside for a change of scenery and cried.
  • Made like a dozen people read the eulogy I wrote and tell me what they thought so I can have words to steal to explain it to other people later.
  • Admitted I am still hoping that this is some kind of sick joke.
  • Admitted I would be relieved to see not my brother in the casket.
  • Had a brief fantasy where whoever was in the casket lacked the gross scar my brother had acquired when he ran into a french door handle and my grandmother wouldn't take him to get stitches.
  • Called every noun I could think of stupid for twenty minutes.
  • Thought of every synonym for bullshit that I could for twenty minutes.
  • Cried some more.
  • Wondered if there's a point where cried out would come.
  • Cried into a dog.
  • Dried off said dog.
  • Wrote this post