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First of all, I love you guys so much, but you have got to stay out of my dreams. Not really, though, I've had worse dreams. But last night I had a dream that I was on an OKC date that somehow involved some of my other friends, but they weren't any of my real friends, so maybe it was some of you. Anywho, the guy got out his phone like he was going to show me some innocuous picture and, surprise! It was a dick pic instead! LOL, amirite?! Except then it wasn't just a pic, but some home movie porn and he masturbated along in the middle of a restaurant. All the while, dream me is thinking, "Oh my god, I can't wait to post this to GT." There was more after I bailed from the "date" but I don't really remember much of it.


On a more srs note, I'm kind of a mess over my marriage. I made a post about my birthday on Saturday and how he wasn't awake when I got home to pick him up for dinner. There has been very little talking since then, like less than ten words, but a few emails have been exchanged. He says he had his alarm set but asked to be woken up, I don't remember him asking, he says if I really wanted him to go I would have put in more effort, I sniped back that I'm sorry I didn't put in enough effort for him to wake up and go get a free meal (our friends paid) and acknowledge my birthday. He denies being depressed and having a drinking problem, I pointed out that he's the one who said he was depressed in the first place and I linked him to the Mayo Clinic's signs of alcoholism, of which he falls under at least half. There were a couple money issues that seemed to mostly come down to miscommunication or not understanding the cost of things. There was some other stuff, but it's things that need to be talked about and worked on and I'm so frustrated that he thinks getting divorced is the answer to what's going on. I'm okay with him being mad about stuff, mad at me, even not liking me right now, but being silently resentful until now and then wanting to just end it without even trying to work it out is juvenile. The kicker: our sex life. He claims that he's been doing everything he can think of to get me to "look at him like I used to." He claims he got contacts and grew out his hair as part of this pursuit. He's had glasses and a shaved head basically the entire time I've known him, so I called him out on that. He's grown a beard and grown his hair out, but he hasn't gotten a hair cut, it's just all grown out from being shaved. His beard is patchy and it's just now, after about a year, long enough that it doesn't look like he's been stranded on a desert island with no razor. Both of those things are because he just doesn't like dealing with them, not that he's trying to look a certain way. A few weeks ago, he parted and combed his hair and just doing that made him look so much better because it looks like he actually gives a shit. I told him all it would take is for him to not be drunk and to look like he at least cares a little bit about what he looks like. This morning I saw new face wash, hair gel, and a pack of combs on a shelf in the bathroom. (ETA: I've always been the one with the higher sex drive, aside from recently, if he's ready, I can almost always be ready.) After I spent last night and the first part of the morning with that awful knot in my stomach. You know the one. I thought I was done with it. I was crying about having to go back to Alaska, to live with my parents. To be cold for the rest of my life. To become sedentary again because I hate so much having to wear 20lbs of extra clothes just to leave the house. To know that Mr.BT's older friends will be thinking that they knew this marriage wouldn't last. I don't even cry much ever. I don't say it as a point of pride, it's just the way I am. The last time I actually sobbed was when I had an emotional breakdown when I was in labor 4 years ago. Actually that will be 4 years ago on April 1st, which also happens to be our 10th wedding anniversary.

I'm just so twisted over this and I don't really know what to do right now. I hate not knowing what I need to be working toward. I'm really glad I have this community to vent to though, it's easier to open up here than in the real world. Thanks for being here, y'all.

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