The group has grown even smaller. And we've been informed that we will get into the 6 month DBT group right away because of the drop in colleagues. I think I'm gonna sign up.

So this week we took up our Check the facts homework and learned about opposite action. After you've checked the facts to see that your emotional reaction lines up with the situation you can also choose to do the opposite thing to help reduce the emotion and get in control of the situation.

e.g If you are afraid and start avoiding something, you can do the opposite action and approach the thing that makes you afraid. Clearly, if you are in danger then don't do the opposite thing.

I've been avoiding sections of the hospital where I have bad memories, so I challenged myself to walk to those sections and stand outside the building. I then tried to go in the door. I couldn't. But I thought standing out there for awhile and looking at it, was good enough for now.

I also called my family doctor and booked an appointment. I've avoided this for ages, but I've made the restriction that we are allowed to send me to the parts of my medical team that I like and trust, until I feel stronger and then we can work on finding me an OB/GYN who won't stick the wrong things in me, tease me, or lie to my face about what is going on. That sentiment goes on a lot longer, but you get the point I don't trust OB/GYNs because two of them have betrayed my trust.

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The other thing I tried:

I'm working with someone who for the life of me I can't read.

I can't tell when they are annoyed or upset. Usually I sit and worry about their feelings and wonder what I could do to make things better and how I must have done something wrong.

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I'm doing work for them and I don't know if they've been happy with it. It's a new kind of work so I'm less confident about my abilities. I've offered to look it over or correct things and they never get back to me.

I've done everything to give them the opportunity to critique my work or ask for changes. And they have said nothing. Sometimes they don't even respond to my messages.

I looked at the facts. I had done everything in my power to do good work. I offered them a chance to redo it. I asked for critique.

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I've decided not to think about their feelings.

It's their responsibility to tell me if they are unhappy. It is not mine to guess they are being passive aggressive.

I have done my job. I have offered them redos. I offered them the redo because there was confusion on their marking rubric. Their rubric is out of 84, which I thought was strange because that's not an easy number to quickly divide. And there was no way to give someone a zero in any section. So I assumed that 68/84 was 81%. I thought this was too high and marked the students lower. The student in this case would get 65%.

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I finally realized that maybe they meant it to be 68% rather than 68/84. I thought this was confusing as fuck because that's not how math works. Turns out, that's exactly what they wanted. /facepalm

They had to raise all the marks. I offered to do it, but they refused.

When I looked at the facts and decided their feelings where not something I can control, I immediately felt so much better. Because I really have done everything. I am a good worker.

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Normally I'd beat myself up about this stuff. But not this time.

Look, I'm learning things!