Getting down to the wire. We had 17 people and we have 3 left. Me and another patient have perfect attendance. I joked "Oh just you wait, there's one more day I can screw it up."
Because it's gotten so small, it's become a lot more personal and geared towards the ones who are left.
I talked about my experiments. That I've used my time in hospital as a reason to expose myself to all the buildings I'm afraid of. That I started easy and went to buildings I'm okay with, and explored them a little. I'd always come back to my safe building where good things had happened. Where the doctors and nurses were kind and treated me with respect. Other buildings I could only view from a distance, and try to drive by them as though seeing them through glass would make them less scary. That I've worked my way up to standing on the steps of two of the buildings that trigger my trauma.
When I was re-telling it I became really upset. I thought it was strange because when I'm near those buildings it was less scary, because it really is just a building. I'd look at the architecture and try to stay analytic. I'd try to open the door, but I couldn't. I couldn't touch the door. I gave the excuse that I didn't want to bother anyone there. But I really didn't want to go in. So I'd imagine myself going in, taking the elevator and walking into those spaces where I was injured. But I imagined that it was fine, and nothing happened, because it's not that day or that year.
They were really supportive. I did joke that I take on too much. I don't think I do, because I never do more than I can handle. I touch the edges of places that I am uncomfortable and I leave them. I never dwell too long.
I get into disagreements with one of the patients. They aren't a bad person, they just rub me the wrong way. And when I start to go into trauma mode, I'm not exactly very receptive to anything, so when people talk to me a specific way, I find it very patronizing or grating or like they aren't listening. When they don't understand what I've said, it can throw me deeper into my trauma. They are trying to help, but they do it in a way that bothers me, because it often negates what I have said or tries to simplify it. Also, it feels like a weird attempt to gain power over me...
They suggested I do too much. As I always say "I've been at this for years. I've used being here as reason to try." That I needed to go slower and take it easy. I got annoyed and said "Well right now if I don't get better, my option is dying." It's a extreme. I always pick the extreme/thing I am the most worried about when I go all trauma-y. I'm not gonna die any time soon. If I waited, and didn't do anything at all, I'd probably pass out somewhere and if someone find me I'd be okay after a hospital stay. I'd be in pain, and damage some of my organs again, but I'd be okay. (which doesn't really sound okay...) I am taking better care of myself, so I should be okay for number of years, but the longer I wait, the worse it will get. I've already waited 2 years and I can feel the difference. I am getting sicker, and I do need to seek medical attention and to do that I need to have a certain amount of strength.
I gain strength by pushing myself in a directed manner. By slowly learning how to be in that moment and even though I am there I can still speak. I need to learn how not to give up, because sometimes I see it as being pointless to try. No one is going to listen to me, because I never look sick and I get brushed off. It's only when they do blood work, and send me back for more, they understand I am a strange robot. I have to fight my demons because my life actually depends on it. I'm not being reckless about it. Ya, I'll get upset, but I always arrange these experiments so I see my group or my private therapist after ward. I work with a net.
I set up my doctor's appointment to be light. I should be able to handle it, of course I'll cry because I can't seem to not cry if there is something wrong with me. I'm okay with that. She remembers what I was like before I was sick. When I was calm patient.
Our new unit was on planned positive experiences. Make a point to take care of yourself. My self care has been lacking lately, so it will be good to work this week on getting it back on track. Get out for a long walk. Yoga, take a bath, read that bell hooks book I bought, work on some skills.
I need that.
I think today will be a little bit of work and some fun times.
Samurai vs Dragon