First of all, thank you all so much for your support and insight while I've gone through group. I think I'm better that I stayed and did my work and wrote about it consistently. Thanks for joining me on this ride.
We took up our homework. I've noticed that I gain the most satisfaction when people validate my feelings. I figured this was because for about 7 years I had all my feelings invalidated and told I was a horrible over reactor. Now, when I feel something I immediately wonder if my reaction is okay and I panic because I think I might be feeling wrong. I need to learn how to trust myself again and being validated verifies that my emotions are okay.
The one group member who I seem to dislike told a story and it made me realize, okay I don't like you because you are controlling. I'm not gonna get into the story, but it was very similar to the way my ex would coerce me into doing things 'for my own good.' I was pleased I'm getting better at identifying that behaviour, it's like my body knows first, but my brain can't put it into words.
Session 7 was combined with 8 because they'd figured no one would show days before Xmas. I would have, because I am a punctual fucker.
Basically they tied everything together and spent a little time talking about sleep, exercise and nutrition and how making very small modifications can really help you feel better and feel in control of your life. We talked about the food guide, admittedly, I eat too many grains, but that's because they are super delicious. I've made a point to try to be better and stick to their at least 1 orange and 1 dark green vegetable, luckily my two favourite kinds of vegetables.
Exercise for about 30 minutes a day, that one needs work too, but that's not gonna be too bad once I get back on to a regular schedule and I do try to walk everywhere.
That you need a regular sleep schedule. I'm fairly good at sleeping. I do mess up every now and again, but sleep as always been a high priority for me.
The rest of the session was talking about the 6 month DBT program.
I've been on the fence about it, by the fence I mean 80% sure I'd do it and it would be good for me, but a very heavy 20% that thought I'd be wasting everyone's time and that there are sicker people than me who need it more. I needed to tell that part to shut it.
It sounded good. I know what to expect because this group was to show you what the intensive program would be like. Also, it gives me 6 months of going to the hospital and getting more comfortable being there.
I signed up. Yup, I'm going into the 6 month version. I'll probably write about it.
I also finally managed to use my courage to get the notes from my psych evaluation. I knew I'd cry, and I was okay with that. My family doctor was super nice and knew it was super hard for me to come because doctors scare the fuck out of me. I got my notes.
I had been so terrified that they didn't listen to me. That they thought I was something else. That I was mislabelled. That I was an over reactor and a liar. I was so sure of it. I built it up in my head and wrote about my anger here. Partially because I hadn't been listened too throughout most of my medical care and I got hurt. I assumed and projected that they'd do the same and just hurt me again. Ya, I have some understandable but at times delusional trust issues with all medical people. Turns out I was wrong.
As we went over the the report I found out they did listen. They got it right. I am a bit nuanced in my mental health, but they agreed that I might have PTSD, but they needed to do a little more work to see if I have a mood disorder. I'm officially 'adjustment disorder with mixed features and rule out mood disorder' and that I should also attend the abused women's center while waiting. (I didn't because I was kinda shocked when they first suggested that.) Basically, I've been through a lot of shit for a long time with some pretty extra crazy shit, and we need more info to gage this. I like this. It's accurate, because as I always say people don't fit into tiny boxes.
That's what made me cry. I was listened too and respected. I was believed.