doesn’t mean you have to pee EVERYWHERE.

We live in an area of Chicago where the lesbians have come (infrastructure and new buildings), the gays have come (decor, fashionable shops and restaurants, expensive antiquing), and the strollers have invaded. The sidewalks are a dance between the most expensive strollers I’ve ever seen, sidewalk cafes that must be called that since they take up the entire sidewalk, and hundreds of dog owner. It’s a great area, immensely safe and still bustling at night.

10 o’clock. I walk my large black lab, Cooper, out of the back of my building (which is RIGHT off of the main North-South street of the neighborhood) and into the alley. As we step into the lamplight, we run STRAIGHT into two seemingly sober well dressed guys as they’re starting to veer into the back of my building. The one is UNBUCKLING HIS BELT AS HE STEPS TO THE AWKWARD SIDE OF ME... as if he’s STILL thinking that even though I’ve just exited that building, he’s gonna go pee. I utter the beginning of a sentence, “Probably...” and they walk to the next building’s dumpster where they line up against the wall for their pee-pee dance.

SERIOUSLY! LIKE THEY’RE MY DOG!

And if they were drunk, I’d understand it. “Hey, I’m walking down from the bar to another one and I’m just so drunk and have no judgement so this looks like a good place to...” peeeeeeeeeeeee. Because I’d understand that their sense of judgment is impaired and I’ve been in that position where sometimes, peeing by the L tracks next to a cemetery just seems like your best option.

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But no! Basically sober guys! No yelling, no slurring, no vomiting. And it’s EARLY!

So men. Guys. Boys. Whatever. Unless you have a valid reason, don’t act like my dog and insist on peeing anywhere, everywhere and in public. And until you can guarantee me that you’ll NOT ACT LIKE MY BLACK LABRADOR, no MRA activities for you. BAD MAN! BAD!

ETA: I’m more understanding with homeless people peeing. In my old neighborhood, I just didn’t want the pee or blowjobs or shits taking place in our parking area or where my dog could get at the shit. If you’ve got cash and a home, 99% of the time you should be urinating in a fucking bathroom.

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ETA in 2018 (because apparently someone wanted express their peeing in public rights): You’re also like a toddler who’s learning to use the bathroom. As I explained to a 3-4 year old boy, sometimes you have to PLAN where you’re going to use the bathroom. Maybe go ahead of time or stop in somewhere to buy a drink or cheap item so you can use their bathroom. YOU’RE in charge of your body and need to figure out the appropriate ways to deal with it’s needs.

TL:DR BE RESPONSIBLE WITH YOUR URINARY TRACT AND IT’S RELATED BODY PARTS OR I WILL PELT YOU WITH MY USED TAMPONS I NORMALLY DISPOSE OF APPROPRIATELY!!! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE A MAN, NOT AN ANIMAL NOR A SOCIOPATHIC TODDLER!