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HALP! Going crazy in my head place.

GUYS! I am so SMITTEN! Also, Facebook stalking is a terrible idea.

So, I've posted a little bit about my adventures in dating land, but not much, and never about anything all that relevant to what this post is about. So the sparknotes version of my life is, I had one super serious, super dysfunctional, somewhat abusive relationship with a terrible alcoholic, I ran away to another country for a couple years, mostly got my shit together, and I've been dating some since our break up (three years) but nothing really all that serious. Most of my exes have tended to be between 6-12 years older. Like I said, I mostly have my shit together, but I still struggle pretty hard with anxiety, and although it comes as a total shock to anyone who meets me IRL, I have pretty crippling self-esteem. My ex used to say I had pretty severe body dysmorphism issues, I always thought that was being a bit extreme, but in some ways he is right. My most recent foray into OKC land resulted in the simultaneous dating of a few people, one of them was a bizarre and frustrating FAIL, and who knows what's going on with the other guy. That's all just background.


BUT! One of them is AMAZING! He's my age, he has a really great career, he is breathtakingly gorgeous, he's an atheist, he's funny, we both love music, he's super thoughtful and sweet, he's pretty much won at life on all our dates, like, super spontaneously/organically romantic shit etc. etc. He was totally smitten with me even before I was all the serious about him (which I think is awesome), he texts me all day long everyday, he lives about 45 minutes away so we only see each other a couple times a week (law school makes it so I have ver limited free time) and when we aren't together he's always texting saying he misses me. ALL AWESOME. There have been some problems in the bedroom, but when we talked about it, it ended up being such a sweet conversation, as I said how it's kind of surprising to me how much I like him already (I felt fine saying this because he had already said as much to me on three occasions, and so I both wanted him to know the feeling was mutual—it is—an make him feel better about the performance issues) and how my previous relationships had really just been about sex but it felt really good that it wasn't the case with him. He said (in more words) that it was the same situation for him. He's apparently never really had a serious relationship before.


So, we went on this completely perfect date on Wednesday. Béla Fleck and Abigail Washburn performing at a botanical garden. We sat on the blanket and watched the sunset and listened to gorgeous music and kissed and stared into each others eyes and he kept kissing my hair and telling me how glad he was to be there with me etc. Only thing that wasn't perfect was this freaking supermodel chick who WOULD NOT STOP TALKING THE WHOLE SHOW. And it was pissing both of us off. She was there with two guys, and I said something snarky about how could they stand being there with such an idiot, guess because she was hot, etc. Then he said something TOTALLY STUPID about how girls are either pretty or smart (grrr). As SOON as it came out of his mouth he was like, oh shit, I didn't mean that etc. So, being my snarky self, I started giving him shit about it, as in, so is that you don't think I'm pretty? or you don't think I'm smart, etc. He kept telling me that of course I'm beautiful and smart etc. Then he mentioned how the girl he kind of dated for a few years in college, (the closest thing he has had to a relationship) was gorgeous but dumb as dirt and how amazing it is to be with me because I'm not.

He went down to visit his parents this weekend, but has been texting all day thursday, friday, and today. Earlier today, his family decided they were going camping and he asked if I wanted to come along because a) I love camping, b) he misses me, c) I think he wants me to meet his family (which is odd only because it's been like, only a couple weeks). I couldn't go because it's 4 hours and I have too much work etc. Anyway, I guess he's lost service because he hasn't texted/snapchatted back for like 5 hours. Nbd, he's camping. I totally get it (in my rational head).


So what have I done? Used my ritalin induced concentrating skills to facebook stalk the shit out of him. And look at pictures at this ridiculously hot chick he used to date (who is now married, like, wtf is wrong with me?) and think about how my abs have never looked that good, and how they especially don't now because I live in the library and don't work out as much as I should, and how the bedroom issues are probably my fault because of my lack of abs and the cellulite in my thighs, and how he probably judges me all the time because his body IS PERFECT (granted, he is pretty obsessed with working out/counting calories/etc.).

WHY AM I DOING THIS TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW?! I have like a gajillion pages of reading to catch up on because I was too focused on job interviews the last few weeks, and I am actually driving myself insane.


I have multiple job offers for next summer (which is a big freaking deal, since, you know, the legal hiring market is famously shitty), all evidence would lead to the fact that this dude really digs me, and I just CANNOT STOP FREAKING OUT.


/end whining rant.

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