So this might be kind of long, but bear with me. I have been dating this guy (I'll call him M) for about three months now. We hit it off immediately and really connected. We're very intellectually connected and share similar interests, politics and sense of humor. But lately we've been having some issues in the bedroom.

We've been spending a lot of time together for the past two months. I got back from holidays on December 29 and met M for dinner the next day and we basically didn't get out of bed until January 3. Since then, we've been hanging out all the time and talking every day. I sleep over at his house about three or four times a week. Things started getting serious pretty fast (we've already talked about going to his hometown this summer so I can meet his family) and he's been very demonstrative about how happy he is and how well he thinks things are going.

But lately, things have gotten...challenging. The first time we had sex, he had a hard time maintaining an erection. He said it was because he was nervous and that seemed reasonable to me. Since then, it's happened a few more times - sometimes he just can't continue and other times, he kind of loses it and then gets it back. But it doesn't happen every time and most of the time, he's fine. He's been very open and vocal about how attractive he thinks I am and has told me on several occasions how much he enjoys having sex with me. When he does maintain an erection, he always comes. But in the past couple weeks, it's come out that he's very troubled by this recurring issue and thinks that we might just be incompatible sexually. It's really, really hard for me to hear that because I have a tendency to internalize that kind of thing and think that I am doing something wrong or am inadequate in some way. I have tried to get him to communicate with me about his needs and preferences, but he is reluctant to do so and seems to think that it's not as simple as telling me what he likes or how I can do things differently. He can't really describe to me what he thinks is missing; he just says it's "an attitude" or something intangible that is making us "not click." It's very hard to reconcile this assertion that we don't click with his other words, about how sexy he thinks I am and how much he enjoyed himself. It's confusing and frustrating.

I want to be able to work this out with him, but I don't know what to do. I don't think I buy the notion that we're just straight-up incompatible. If he was asking for some really specific kink that I was unable or unwilling to fulfill, that would be one thing. But that's not the case. My sexuality is not this immutable thing that never adapts, changes or grows depending on my partner. I have my boundaries, of course, but I am also pretty flexible, open-minded and willing to explore. I don't think it's just as simple as me being bad in bed, either (although it is very hard not to just get down on myself and think that I just suck and am not good enough).

The other bit of context here is that, shortly before meeting me, M had quit smoking pot and drinking alcohol. He had been quite a pothead prior to this and had realized that he was really using drugs and alcohol to escape and avoid confronting some difficult life shit. So he decided to be proactive and quit, for the sake of his mental health. It's not been easy - for a variety of reasons - but he's really committed to his sobriety and has been seeing a therapist regularly to talk about the issues he was running away from with the drugs. We talked about this very openly at the beginning of the relationship and were very honest with each other about how it might impact us. The thing is, this is the first time he's ever been with someone while clean. He had always been smoking a ton of pot in his previous relationships. He also admitted that he's never been this honest in a relationship before. He comes from a divorced family and he said that, through therapy, he realized that in the past he has not seen relationships as safe places and has tended to withdraw emotionally.


All of this leads me to believe that the sexual dysfunction probably an emotional issue at root - perhaps he's withdrawing from me because it's fucking scary to be so open and intimate and authentic with another person, especially when he doesn't have his old escape hatch (marijuana) available to him anymore. M even admitted to me that he thinks the quitting might have something to do with these problems.

My question is: what do I do? I know this isn't easy and maybe I should just cut my losses and walk away. But I feel like we have a really great connection and I'm too emotionally invested to just give up immediately. Maybe I do just suck in bed and will never satisfy him sexually. Maybe it is just my fault that we're not clicking. This is what I'm afraid of - that I met this person that I connect with on so many levels, but I'm just not good enough. I don't know. It's really frustrating and confusing. Halp!