In one week we celebrate our 5 year wedding anniversary. The first "big" one. And I can't stop thinking about it and feeling so defeated. This isn't how I imagined this milestone. Considering the year I had I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Big Bird has really been trying and therapy has helped him with some of the issues he struggles with. But… I'm not over it. I can't just pretend the fights didn't happen; I can't pretend I don't remember the hurtful things he's said/done. The other day I reflexively pulled away from him when he tried to give me a kiss. I felt horrible. The new therapist I see was surprised we're still having sex and he wants me to initiate touching more. Hold his hand when we go on a walk, more hugs. And I don't want to do it. I wish something would work out the way it's supposed to.