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Happy birthday to me.

Getting older sucks. And not because of the grey hair and wrinkles and my body otherwise not responding the way it did when I was younger. Well I do hate the loss of tone in my jawline. What kind of horrible bullshit joke is that?

It’s the regret. Regret for things I didn’t do.

It’s how I compromised and changed/hid things about myself because of society, career, etc. Luckily my parents never had a problem with anything I wore or how I looked in general. My dad would make a snarky comment under his breath but that was it and my actually liked some of my choices.


In my late teens and twenties I was metal punk and I each day I dressed how I felt that day. Maybe a tee and jeans. Maybe a menswear vest and a pair of men’s silk boxer, fishnets and Docs. I had very long curly blue-black hair with a blood red undercut and black eyeliner (of course) around my eyes. But I was in a “professional” position and had to really tone it down for work. Eventually it just becomes easier to just look “normal” all the time than feel like two different people.

This was the 90s so the tattoo and piercing “lifestyle” wasn’t as common as it is now but I wanted tattoos and multiple ear piercings and my nose pierced. But I live in SE Texas and there are “expectations” of what a person should look like and I don’t necessarily like being stared at.


Now I regret all the concerts I missed because no one wanted to go with me and the venues were about a 100 miles away. I did buy a ticket for a friend so she would go with me to a GnR concert but SHE FELL ASLEEP during it.

I regret I didn’t get to be me with a buzzed blue hair and full sleeves. I regret that I missed things that I can’t go back and experience. The worse part is that I feel the same inside with the same musical and “fashion” tastes and the need to go wild on the dance floor or mosh pit. But everyone has kids or have grown out of wanting these things.


My small indications of individuality now are that I have a short angled bob with a high undercut, 6 ear piercings and two tattoos. When Prince passed I put a semi-perm purple streak in my hair and you would think I had gotten a Mohawk from my office’s reaction. In addition to them not understanding my grief at his passing.

And sorry about my rambling and strangeness but I haven’t been sleeping lately and my dad was in the hospital for a few days this week and I am just all kinds of out of sorts. But none of that is the reason I feel the way I do. I’ve felt this for the last 10 or 15 years.


And now I need to go post “Thank you” to all the Happy Birthday posts on my FB.

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