I've been feeling strangely fine even though the last week has been quite terrible in some ways. Then a friend poked a few times with questions about my relationship and now I'm all sad. So I offer you these gifs. Cheer yourselves up together with me!
Over the past few days there have been a million things I've been thinking about and wanting to post, but didn't. And a great many posts I've been reading and loving but didn't comment on. I was very busy at work and felt kind of overwhelmed. What was my week like? Let me tell you.
I've been super busy. Since last thursday boyfriend and I haven't spent more than an hour or two together (if you don't count sleeping). Either he's been out or I've been out. Most of the time we've spent together has been content and calm (both being tired, just watching some tv, little interaction) with 2 negative peaks and 1 positive peak in our interaction.
My friend asked how things were going and I said good (as I've been doing) and suddenly explained to him for some reason that if I had to grade my relationship it'd be a 6 (out of 10) and that was a passing grade, but that I didn't really expect the grade to ever get much higher. Because I don't expect the communication issues to get truly fixed (Band-aided sure. But it'll never as easy, open and supportive as for instance, friend and his girlfriend.), nor do I expect our love-life to pick up at any point. I said this quite matter-of-factly. He thought it was creepy how I was being almost analytical about the problems in my relationship and I told him I was used to doing that. Objectively looking at issues in my life, treating them as separate things from myself, as if they didn't affect me at all.
He then asked if this helped me achieve my goal, of leading an awesome life and having great stories at the end of it. And I said no it didn't, actually it quite hindered it. I felt strangely selfish for admitting that in any way. I'm stil learning that it's okay to want (big) things in life and relationship for yourself. And that it might be okay that I'm unsure if I want to 'make the best of it because relationships take work!' even though I've been instructed all my life that that's how relationships work: you make it work even if you don't want to.
Now I feel sad. Hence gifs.
Also: My work has been kind of sucking, boss has been vocal about my failures (both privately to me and also in front of the rest of the team) and this makes me feel bad. Talking to boyfriend makes me feel worse. But there might be better things on the horizon! I don't want to jinx it though so I'll wait until I know more until I share it :)