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Hard to admit...

UPDATE: Thanks so much to everyone who responded. Your stories and advice warmed my heart! I also had a very well-timed outing to go see the Vienna Boys’ Choir holiday concert at Carnegie Hall this afternoon, and all those cute singing boys, plus Mr. Dix’s utter delight at them (and his general holiday cheer and our debate about Andrew Lloyd Webber trivia) reminded me again that boys and men can be sensitive and sweet and wonderful. And that just like rad girls, boys can transcend their gender. And, of course, that gender is complicated and fluid and non-binary. And that parenting is going to be an adventure and a shitshow and a rollercoaster and some chromosomes are going to be the least of it. Thanks, all!

I’m not even sure how to title or begin this post, but here goes. I’m five months pregnant with a boy, and kind of panicking. I knew I strongly wanted this baby to be a girl, but I guess I didn’t realize how strongly until it wasn’t.

Backstory on me: I’m an only child with a crappy relationship with most of the men in my family, have been friends/colleagues with basically all women and gay men (with a few straight guys sprinkled in) my entire life. Mr. Dix has basically the same background but moreso — he has a sister and like five thousand aunts, and almost exclusively female friends. My close friends who have kids all have girls, except two who literally just popped them out so they’re still genderless balls of pooping and crying. So I understand that a lot of it is not knowing what little boys are like that well. It’s worth noting that Mr. Dix and I are both teachers and are immensely fond of our male students, but what makes kids fun students and what makes them fun to parent seems different to me, and also I’m not really thinking about preteen/teenage years here, but what it’s like to have a little boy.


I’m also just having trouble sorting out what I feel. Half of me is primarily disappointed that it’s not a girl — I think if I knew I’d eventually have a daughter I wouldn’t care so much. But the other half is specifically disappointed that it IS a boy. Like, they seem boring to me! I do kind of buy into stereotypes I’m realizing — I assume they are more interested in guns and wrestling and video games and action heroes than talking and drawing and nature and kitties and baking. I also (very terribly) just think little girls are cuter and more aesthetically pleasing! But finally, I’m really not feeling men and boys right now in particular. Ever since the election I honestly think I have become a misandrist — I’m just not interested. I like Mr. Dix okay because he’s such an outlier and a raging feminist. I get that I can make my son that way too, and that the world needs more good white men. I just... don’t want to have another one in my house!

So, there you have it. Tell me why I’m wrong. Tell me I’ll get over it. Oh, and boys’ names all suck, too — give me some good ones. Heeeeeeeeeelp.

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