The final showdown with Hot Tom Riddle has arrived! This week on Advanced Muggle Studies, we discuss: Salazar Slytherin, the snake-fetish Zorro; differences in Chamber set design; enter Tom “Blofeld” Riddle; THE BIG REVEAL; sociopathic memories; dangerous toddlers; ironic narcissistic racism is ironic; and then the murders began; Tom Riddle sucks at anagrams; douchey school nicknames; Harry drops all the mics; useful plot information; speaking nonsense to statues; over-reliance on adverbs; Fawkes the super-mutated rooster; Gryffindor was also over-concerned with male endowment, apparently; basilisk lore comes full circle; stop ignoring Ginny, dammit; Lockhart had it coming; King Arthur and Guinevere in the Chamber of Secrets; what Harry Potter, Thor, and King Arthur have in common; why we’re always pulling things out of hats; the shitty reason witches wear pointed hats; the Christian roots of EVERYTHING; snakes and the Devil; the Sword of Truth; fulfillment of the first Biblical prophecy; stigmatizing armadillos; humanity’s obsession with swords; symbolism of books in medieval art and why Harry should only have stabbed the book once; how magic violates the “natural order”; theories on where magic wands come from; and a healthy dose of White People Nonsense.

(And if you’re wondering why I put every other phrase in bold, well, I find that after a while they run together so this is my attempt to make it more readable. Let me know if that makes it worse or better.)