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Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, Ch. 17: Thus the Lord cast out Satan, the Great Armadillo, and we all cried out for more rum

The final showdown with Hot Tom Riddle has arrived! This week on Advanced Muggle Studies, we discuss: Salazar Slytherin, the snake-fetish Zorro; differences in Chamber set design; enter Tom “Blofeld” Riddle; THE BIG REVEAL; sociopathic memories; dangerous toddlers; ironic narcissistic racism is ironic; and then the murders began; Tom Riddle sucks at anagrams; douchey school nicknames; Harry drops all the mics; useful plot information; speaking nonsense to statues; over-reliance on adverbs; Fawkes the super-mutated rooster; Gryffindor was also over-concerned with male endowment, apparently; basilisk lore comes full circle; stop ignoring Ginny, dammit; Lockhart had it coming; King Arthur and Guinevere in the Chamber of Secrets; what Harry Potter, Thor, and King Arthur have in common; why we’re always pulling things out of hats; the shitty reason witches wear pointed hats; the Christian roots of EVERYTHING; snakes and the Devil; the Sword of Truth; fulfillment of the first Biblical prophecy; stigmatizing armadillos; humanity’s obsession with swords; symbolism of books in medieval art and why Harry should only have stabbed the book once; how magic violates the “natural order”; theories on where magic wands come from; and a healthy dose of White People Nonsense.

(And if you’re wondering why I put every other phrase in bold, well, I find that after a while they run together so this is my attempt to make it more readable. Let me know if that makes it worse or better.)

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