This week on Advanced Muggle Studies’ particular brand of nonsense, we discuss: life as a background Everyone Else at Hogwarts; insensitive Cher songs; trying to figure out how Head Boy and Girl work; hillbilly high school; inter-House hanky-panky and Percy the Boner-Killer; how portraits work; Dumbledore is not having any of it; Percy’s tragic handicap; cowardly portrait guardians; the world is ending so let’s play Quidditch; the moment we knew the movies were going to start being good; Snape, PTA, and PTSD; ignorance is bliss is a Hogwarts parent; hinkypunk drag queens; WHY BEDPANS; wizarding STDs and flaming vaginas; teen wizard pregnancies and gay fascism; the most illogical Quidditch game to date; don’t look down, it’s Craft Services Voldemort!; Oliver Wood in the showers (oh yeah); unnecessarily dramatic Hermione; and the death of the Nimbus and all our hopes and dreams.